The luxury of time

I have the luxury of time.

I have the luxury to take 4 or even 5 years to complete my master's degree. I'm not in a rush. It's less stressful and suits our family's rhythm. Taking my time makes it more affordable, so I don't need to wrack up huge student loans. It helps that we've mastered living on one income so I don't need to rush to finish and get a job (although the second income and the work will be welcome when the time comes!).

I have the luxury to spend an hour walking downtown to have lunch with friends, then spend another hour walking home. There are things I could be doing, but enjoying a beautiful day, getting exercise, and eating with friends is a perfect way to spend 3 hours.

I have the luxury of time. I recognize it is a luxury and that makes me sad. Because time shouldn't be a luxury.

Sometimes we're busy doing things we love, and time doesn't feel wasted. Sometimes we're busy doing the things, the necessary things, that make our lives possible: working, taking care of the kids, buying the groceries, doing the laundry.

I'm lucky, though. I have the luxury of time. At least for today.

Rule #1: don't murder

One of the most popular posts ever on this blog was Best Poster Ever. It has had 271 views since I posted it in June 2011.

Over the last few days, a lot has been said and written about the recent shooting in Aurora, CO. On one side there are folks calling for more gun control. On the other side are folks who spout the 2nd Amendment while proclaiming that criminals don't follow laws.

There are a lot of people who have written some very smart things about all this. But there's one thought that keeps going through my mind.

Just like with rape, we talk about how we can protect ourselves from being victims of violent crimes. Take self-defense classes. Don't go out at night. Be aware of your surroundings. No costumes at theaters. Metal detectors at every door. Etc, etc, etc.

Some of these things are surely not a bad thing (being aware of our surroundings). Some may very well stop some crimes (metal detectors). Some are just ridiculous (no costumes).

The one thing we don't talk about is how to actually prevent crime: Don't commit it.

Just as that sexual assault prevention poster ultimately comes down to #10: Don't assault people, I would say the list of how to prevent murder comes down to this:

Don't murder.

If you practice a Judeo-Christian religion, you should remember that as 5th or 6th Commandment (depending on which sect you subscribe to).

Even non-Christians pretty much subscribe to this philosophy.

Let's ascribe responsibility for heinous acts where it belongs: with the perpetrators, not the victims.

Happy I love you more day

Today is Valentine's Day. Chris and I don't make a big deal out of this day. Really, if we want a day to celebrate our relationship, we'll pick our anniversary. It's much more meaningful.

Having one day to celebrate love sounds like a good idea, but what about the other 364 days (365 this year)? And shouldn't the day we celebrate love have a reason?

Maybe I'm jaded. Ok, I am, a little.

Do you remember in high school when the boosters club sold carnations that were delivered in class? So everyone could see just how loved (read: popular) someone was? And how the same few girls got flowers  in every class, while the rest of us looked on in envy?

Yeah, I didn't get any carnations. Even though anyone could send a carnation to anyone else, it was usually the boys sending them to their girlfriends and a few popular girls sending them to each other.

In high school, it was humiliating. No Valentine to send me flowers. Sigh.

Once out of high school, I noticed the same pattern unfolding: Valentine's Day has become a competition to see who loves whom the most. The sincere lovers tend to be quiet.

Go watch a few commercials pushing Valentine's Day gifts: buy her jewelry because you need to spend a fortune to prove your love and flowers aren't good enough! or you must buy roses to be delivered at work so all her coworkers can be jealous! or come have a romantic dinner with special foods, including all these aphrodisiacs because you must have the best sex of your life tonight!

What is with all this pressure? The day to day little things mean so much more than any grand gesture. At least to me. Love doesn't come in a box, even when the box if full of chocolates.

So if Valentine's Day makes you happy, have a wonderful day filled with heart-shaped presents. But remember that there are loads of us out here (and not just singles) who just don't care all that much. If someone doesn't have a date or big plans, if flowers don't get delivered, it's ok.

The best Valentine? Loving yourself.

Take a stand

I didn't watch the Grammy awards last night. I had better things to watch and don't really know much of the current music.

Last night and this morning, I've been reading the Twitter/Facebook reactions to an abuser getting applauded for winning an award and the frightening comments young girls were making regarding him.

There have been several good articles written about this. I'd like to point to a few:

• From Kveller, Why Are We Applauding Chris Brown
• Shared by Cineboobs, readitordont Really, look at this one if you need a reminder of what he is capable of. The picture of Rihanna's face is sobering.
• From HelloGiggles, I'm Not Okay with Chris Brown Performing at the Grammys and I'm Not Sure Why You Are - And this is the best-written piece I have seen about what exactly was wrong with the whole situation. Really, if you only read one, read this one. 

Want to know something I've noticed? It isn't just this incident. It isn't just this trend of sweeping domestic abuse under the rug, blaming the woman for "earning" the beating and forgiving the abuser. 

Pop culture is actually lauding abusive relationships, showcasing them as romantic.

Yeah, I went overboard on drawing your attention to that statement, but that's because it's all too sadly true. It's scary, too, because too many young people are learning that this is acceptable behavior. 

I mean, it's nothing new. In the 60s we had The Graduate, in which Dustin Hoffman's character is a stalker, but it isn't painted that way. The movie won several Oscars. In the 80s we had Every Breath You Take, a song which even Sting recognizes as a dark, stalker-y song. And it gets played at weddings with regularity. Yeah, and that song won a couple of Grammys too. 

Those are just examples off the top of my head.

Nowadays we have Twilight, perhaps one of the worst examples of glorifying sick, twisted, stalker and abusive behavior. I know there are other examples, but this one is the juggernaut, with not just teens but grown women lusting after the characters.

Disclaimer: I enjoyed the books - well, the 1st three, anyway. I recognized the problems in them, and the terrible writing, but was able to enjoy the story. I'm also an adult in a healthy relationship who can separate fantasy from reality. 

I've seen the way teens talk about these books, wishing for relationships like the ones portrayed there. And it frightens me that a whole generation is going to think sick relationships are normal. 

Then I see the tweets during last night's Grammys, where girls actually claim to want to be beaten. 

And I immediately think about Twilight. And this article from the Science of Relationships, or this analysis of Bella and Edward's abusive relationship from io9, or this commentary from Feministing on how Abusive is the New Sexy, or this post about how the Twilight vampires resemble sexual predators. 

There are many, many more examples I could point to, but think about this trend. And then think about your reaction to the books and/or movies. And what message you want young men and women to take from them. 

And then think about real life situations and whether you applauded Chris Brown last night or were disgusted. Do you know anyone who has been in an abusive relationship? Would you stand up for them? Or would you stand back, claiming to be impartial, but intimating that "she must have earned it"? 

The real Santa

Our boys believe in Santa. And I'm glad.

Some people think it's awful to teach children about Santa because it is lying to them.

I disagree. Because Santa is real.

Is he a strange man in a red suit who lives at the North Pole, making toys with elves, flying around the world on Christmas Eve with a sleigh full of toys? Well, I'll leave that to you to decide.

Is Santa an idea? Absolutely. He's a marvelous idea. He's something in all of us. If you haven't read the famous response to the simple question "Is there a Santa Claus?" from The Sun, take a moment to do so.

We're teaching our boys to believe in Santa Claus... but we're also trying to teach them how to be Santa. And that's the important thing to me.

A few weeks ago, we bought some shower gel and a pouf as part of "Be a Santa to a Senior". And we bought a cute outfit for a little girl as part of our neighborhood sponsoring a family. Sam in particular had a really fun time picking the clothes (a sparkly lavender sweater, long sleeve t-shirt to go under, cords, and matching socks). They helped pick a toy for each of 2 kids for another angel tree program through Chris's work.

Beyond helping people they don't know, which helps teach them compassion and kindness, and caring for everyone, they like picking presents for people they do know. Wil picked the color yarn for the scarf I knit his teacher. They came up with ideas for a gift for Daddy (Chris). When I shop for our niece and nephew and a few other kids in the family, they will help me pick presents.

So what will we tell them when they eventually ask? We'll tell them the truth. And the truth isn't that adults lie, but that sometimes we pretend. And that Santa is real, just not what they thought. And then we'll let them in on the fun of being Santa and knowing it.

So is there a Santa? I think so. Absolutely. We're all Santa. If you read it in The Sun, it's true.

The God of Black Friday?

I've been reading headlines and listening to radio stories about Black Friday. And they make me ill.

Here's a sampling:

Sharp elbows: Shoppers scuffle on Black Friday
Violence mars some Black Friday shopping events
Black Friday warriors: They just keep on shopping
Woman pepper sprays other Black Friday shoppers


All the violence, all in the name of good deals, is horrifying. I hope those people who did fight and use pepper spray are ashamed of themselves, but they probably won't be. All they will see is that they beat the other guy and saved a lot of money.

The one line that sticks out the most is from the third article linked above: "They shop straight through the night, fueled either by caffeine or just the thrill of the almighty discount."

Now, I'm not a religious person, but where is the Christian Right on this issue? They spend so much time telling everyone else how to live their lives, insisting that Jesus is the answer. They thump their Bibles when it suits them, but they aren't offended by that one statement.

What about that statement sticks out? If you didn't catch it, they have compared discounts to God. Go look up "almighty"; I'll wait here.

Is stuff really worth all that? If this is supposedly a Christian nation (it isn't, but that's the argument from certain corners), where is the outrage that people are so consumed by consumerism, that the spirit of Christmas has been lost in a gluttonous haze of things and more things?

I forgot: the same folks who shove their Bibles down everyone's throat conveniently forget that same book when it comes to defending capitalism and the "almighty dollar". Because they can worship both their God (and Jesus) and money.

Besides all that, the "need" to get everything at the lowest price at the expense of family (leaving holiday gatherings to shop), of decency (pepper spraying other shoppers, elbowing, pushing, fighting), is beyond my comprehension. There are plenty of sales. They don't require agressive behavior. They don't mean people get robbed at gun point in the parking lot by someone who wants to get an even better deal (see the second article linked above).

I guess if it were just consumerism, I would watch in bafflement, as I usually have, wondering why anyone would want to go fight the crowds to save a few dollars. The violence of the last several years just makes the whole Black Friday tradition disgusting to me.

I am thankful for...

There are many, many things to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Eve. Before I start my list, grade school style, there are two thoughts I would like to share. First, LeVar Burton tweeted this earlier today: gratitude = grateful + attitude Second, I've read a lot of posts in the last few days with tips for surviving Thanksgiving with the family. And I find it sad that family is something to be endured for so many people. Maybe we're boring, but I am so glad our family avoids all the drama, that we get along and can have a good time without reminders to "be respectful". So here's my Thanksgiving survival guide: Remember that this is your family. If everyone can do that, no one has to go home in tears. Unfortunately it seems there are a lot of people who forget this and make each other's lives miserable. So, this Thanksgiving I am thankful for a caring family, a great bunch of wonderful friends, our reasonably good health (Chris's current cold is minor compared to what we could face), a home that is more than a roof over our heads, Chris having a job he likes, being able to pay our bills, Chris finishing his degree this semester, our loving cats. I am so grateful we have opportunities to do what we love and that, when things go wrong, we can remind ourselves that they are first world problems. I am thankful we can afford to put food on the table, that our kids have shoes and warm coats and a safe place to sleep at night. There are so many things to be thankful for, but I think that's a pretty good list. Happy Thanksgiving!

Just because something is....

Just because something is doesn't make it right.

Last night I posted a link on Facebook to an online petition telling Target not to open at midnight for Black Friday. You see, Target has decided that 5 a.m. isn't early enough to lure shoppers in for super deals on the day after Thanksgiving. They have employees coming in at 11 p.m. so they can open at midnight. (You can bet the people who decided this was a good idea won't have to leave their dinner table to sleep before an exhausting 8 hour shift.)

A lot of people agreed that it's ridiculous and that the consumerism inherent in this decision, curtailing the ability of employees to enjoy a national holiday for the opportunity to earn a few bucks, is sickening. But I was surprised how many people defended Target, saying we live in a capitalist society so we have to put up with this. That this is the price people pay for working in retail and it isn't that different from doctors, nurses, EMTs, firefighters and police who work on holidays.

Just because something is doesn't make it right.

And I don't agree with those sentiments. I find the whole idea of Black Friday kind of nausea inducing, but people will shop. Opening the stores early is rather blatant and obnoxious, but there are people out there shopping. At least when a store opens at 5 a.m. the employees can still enjoy the holiday the day before, get a reasonable night's sleep, and still work.

This opening at midnight is gross. If someone has to be at work at 11 p.m., and get sleep, they need to have a very early Thanksgiving lunch. They'll be hitting the sack about the time the Macy's Thanksgiving parade ends!

But that doesn't get to the heart of the arguments defending Target.

1) We live in a capitalist society. Sure, but that is just our economic system. We still live in a democracy, where we can vote with our dollars. Do we really have to get the absolute cheapest price on some piece of stuff probably made in China? To steal from a friend, "has your Christmas ever been ruined by a present you didn't get?" Sure, companies are out to make money, but it shouldn't be at the expense of their employees. Because if no one has any money because all the companies only worry about stock holders, no one will be able to buy their products. Any forward-thinking business knows you treat your employees well because it is better business in the long run.

2) Just because you have had to work on a holiday doesn't mean every person who ever works retail has to. Just because something is doesn't make it right. Why is it assumed that just because someone has a job they shouldn't have a holiday off? Do we really want to defend workers not getting paid decent wages, not getting holidays or paid sick leave or reasonable insurance?

3) I'm sorry, but there is a big difference between retail employees and public safety workers. If Target doesn't open until 5 a.m., the world doesn't end. If an ER is closed or a fire department unstaffed, bad things happen. There's no comparison. So don't even try. And most of those necessary employees rotate through holidays. They usually work things out so if someone works Thanksgiving, they get Christmas off, or something similar.

Another friend really nailed it when she commented that she is angry because the stores opening early is taking the employees away from their families. All we have is time, and that is being taken away. Time is precious. Our families are precious. On a day when most people celebrate being thankful for their families, that is being taken away. When a lot of people don't have much money, celebrating the spending of money seems crass.

Just because something is doesn't make it right.

All fiction is fantasy

I know I'm not the first to realize this, but the idea that all fiction is fantasy is something I was thinking about in the shower the other day.

See, I even wrote it on the shower wall with tub crayons.

So, all fiction is fantasy. Some types are just closer to reality than others. But they all spring from the author's imagination: mystery, suspense, romance, historical, sci-fi, and even... fantasy.

I like the freedom of writing fantasy. I get to invent a world in which anything could happen. I get to decide on the rules. I can even write about dragons that aren't dragons.

But all fiction is fantasy. And it is all made from nothing. Sometimes we borrow places or people we know. Sometimes we disguise them so we can make them just a little different to fit the story, or to protect them, or just because. Sometimes we make things up.

If fiction were not fantasy, it would be pretty boring. And it wouldn't be fiction. It would be history, or biography, or journalism. There are some interesting and exciting tales in reality. But there are no fairies or magic.

Pirates aren't swashbuckling in real life. Aliens aren't from outer space. Detectives have to worry about evidence tampering and usually aren't Miss Marple or Sherlock Holmes.

All fiction is fantasy. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

About the percenters

I don't think people get it. I really don't.

1) First there were the 99% folks, who have very legitimate gripes.
2) Then there are the 1% people who either a) agree with the 99% or say screw the 99%.
3) And then there are the 53% folks who are clueless.

A lot of people have been posting their pictures with their stories about why they fit into one of these groups. There has been a lot of commentary on those pictures. Here is what I see.

1) The 99% aren't lazy. They aren't whining because they have to work hard. The problem, what they (most of us since 99% of us are that 99%) are trying to convey, is that hard work doesn't get anywhere. You can work hard all your life and you will get poorer - unless you are in that 1% that keeps getting richer. You can have a good job, pay your bills, have health insurance... and still not get ahead. There is no American Dream for the vast majority of us who just want to be comfortable enough to pay the bills and maybe have a little extra to take a vacation, all without worrying if the next illness will send us into bankruptcy.

2) The guy from the infamous picture (who works 80 hour weeks and thinks the 99%ers are whiny) doesn't get it. The point is that he SHOULDN'T have to work 80 hour weeks for the rest of his life. And there aren't enough jobs for everyone to work that many hours. The American Dream is not about working yourself to death and not getting ahead. If you work that hard for a few years and do get ahead, that's fine. It isn't about a free ride either. That's not what the 99% are asking for. They just want to get a fair wage. They object to CEOs making 350X what the average worker makes, with stockholders getting crazy dividends, while the people who create the products that make all that money sink lower and lower.

3) The 53% folks supposedly represent the 53% who pay taxes. Except that a lot of the ones posting don't pay taxes. And why, if you pay your taxes, which go toward building roads and airports, and all sorts of other public projects, defend companies and the wealthy, who benefit from those tax funded services, not paying their fair share of taxes?

4) As for the 1%, I'm very happy to see that quite a few understand that they didn't get there on their own. Their wealth wasn't built in a bubble. They were able to make money with the help of others and using public resources. And that use of public resources is a big reason why they ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pay their fair share of taxes. As has been pointed out, many of them wouldn't even notice if their tax rate increased a small amount. The ones who gloat are just that - gloaters. We shouldn't feel sympathy for them or want to do them any favors. That doesn't mean we need to resent them (if people work hard and make a lot of money, more power to them). But they certainly don't need our help or Congress's to get even further ahead.

5) Some of the folks defending the status quo are doing so against their own self-interest. When the options are tax cuts or tax increases for the wealthy and the non-wealthy are fighting for tax cuts (even though it means tax increases for the middle class), it makes me wonder why. Is it because they aspire to be wealthy enough to not pay income taxes? Because if so, I hate to break it to you, but it's unlikely. Why do some folks want to pay more taxes so the people who can afford to pay more get a break? Don't tell me it's because they really believe in trickle down economics or that the wealthy are job creators. Those are fictions which have been disproved time and again. (For the record, when companies make more money [including via tax cuts], they don't hire more workers - they pay bigger investor dividends. They only hire if they need more employees. If the vast majority of American workers can't afford to buy products, it will only keep shrinking the economy. And the wealthy don't really create more jobs - at least not high paying ones. Maybe they'll hire another maid or gardener, but paying lower taxes isn't really going to encourage them to spread the wealth around. And they don't necessarily buy more stuff just because they saved a a few thousand dollars in taxes.)

6) This wealth imbalance can't continue. Historically, this is when societies either fall or reform. Can we please reform?

On making friends

I belong to a very nice moms' group. I've met some great friends through activities with the group. Every mom I have met through the group has been very nice.

I preface with this information because I am always baffled by the occasional post on the message boards asking how to get to know other moms. Invariably, every couple of months, a new member will post that they are shy, that they don't know anyone, and that they feel uncomfortable going to a meetup because they don't know anyone. Sometimes they add that they are worried the group, which currently has 146 members, will be too cliquey and won't be welcoming to new members. And I shake my head.

This is what I would like to say to all those moms, and actually to anyone who is a new member of a group:

Most of us were shy when we started. I went to my first meetup in someone's house not knowing any of the other people who would be there. I met one of my best friends at that very first meetup. Did I have butterflies? Yep. Were my hands shaking as I rang the doorbell? You bet. Did I walk in that door and get to know the other moms and kids there? Absolutely.

The worst thing you can do is let fear keep you from making new friends.

As an adult, we all should have learned a long time ago that making friends takes a little work. You can't just expect someone to magically appear and bond. You have to reach out a little too. Will you click with every new person you meet? No. But you won't meet those great new people if you don't take the first step.

Put on your big girl panties (or whatever a suitable non-female-specific phrase would be) and do it. No one will bite. No one will laugh. If you mention that you are nervous because this is your first time there, you will probably hear stories of others' first times.

Not sure what to say? Want to stay in a corner hoping someone will come rescue you? Sometimes even with the best intentions, especially in public places, someone else may not realize you are waiting for an introduction. You might have to start a conversation yourself. Not sure what to say? Well, if we're in a group together, we must have something in common. That's a good place to start. Here's an example (with a fictional mom I'll call Jenny):

"Hi. My name is Meagan. Those two boys over there are mine."
"It's nice to meet you, Meagan. My name is Jenny. Mine are the girl in red (pointing) and the boy with the cape."
"He sure looks like he's having fun. How old are they?"
"Carrie is 4 and John is 2. How old are yours? Are they twins?"
"No, they are actually 3 and 4 1/2. But they are the same size. Everyone asks if they are twins."

See, the start of a conversation. It can continue on it's own from there or you can find another person to meet.

In my experience, there are a lot of moms in the group that I enjoy talking with. There are a few that I have become very good friends with and we get together for playdates outside the group. There are some I haven't met and some that I haven't talked much with. There are some that have infants that I don't have as much in common with but that doesn't mean I don't want to meet them or talk to them.

Maybe it's because we aren't in school where we have to sit in a room with the same 20 or 30 kids every day, but sometimes it seems like we've forgotten how to make friends and that we don't have to be friends with everyone. Maybe we need a little help. And so I will close by linking to this video from "The Big Bang Theory" where Sheldon discovers the Friendship Algorithm.

New people, new habits?

Has anyone else noticed that there seems to be less traffic on campus? Even at 5 p.m. Granted, there is still plenty, but it seems like a lot less than even 5 years ago.

What has happened in the last 5 years to make traffic noticeably lighter? I'm sure several factors are at play - more expensive parking permits, more expensive gas, free employee bus passes, car pool tags, ZipCars, incentives for employees to exercise more. But I wonder if the most important factor is actually as simple as turnover.

New students, of which there is a new crop every year, this year's being the largest to date in Bloomington, are orientated to use the bus system. Their IDs act as free bus passes on both IU and city buses and they've been using the buses since that started. Lack of parking makes taking the bus a better bet for students. I see a ton of students parking in the White Lot, with more walking from nearby apartments.

But I think employees are starting to use transportation options other than cars. Yes, a lot still drive. But as parking has gotten more expensive and spaces harder to find, I think more employees are finally looking at car pool, bike and bus options. City buses became free for employees with a special, free bus pass in 2006 - the year I left.

It seems like 5 years is about right for a paradigm shift. There are a lot of new employees - faculty and staff. A lot have retired or left. New programs have had time to settle in with early adopters talking about the conveniences.

Add to all that the new premium reduction incentives for health insurance for 2011 and voluntary Get Healthy programs and you have a recipe for this change. The construction on Bypass (and probably also 3rd Street) probably help too. If it isn't convenient to drive, people find other ways.

I don't think I'm imagining things. It really feels like there are fewer cars and less backup when driving through campus.

Jury duty review

So I've been released from jury duty. My number was never called and no jurors are needed today or tomorrow. So here are my thoughts now that my term of service is over.

I'm a little disappointed I didn't get called. While it would have been a hassle to work out child care (my mother-in-law was going to come down, but Chris would have had to stay home from work until she got here), I wanted to see how the whole process worked.

Jurors were only called 2 of the days all month. Apparently a lot of cases have been settled out of court lately, so they haven't needed jurors.

The nice thing is that I didn't have to call every evening. Some nights the message was that jurors weren't needed for several days and when to call in. For those of us who are planners, that made it a little more tolerable because I could plan some stuff a day or two in advance.

It's rough not being able to plan things for an entire month. A week is bad enough, but an entire month was a very long time. And there were special things happening this month. I was able to give them days that I was unavailable (when we were on vacation, preschool orientation and the first day of preschool).

But I've been nervous the last two weeks that I would get called on a school day. With a 3 year old who is nervous about school, a change in routine could be disastrous. Yes, Chris could take them in, but we're working really hard on that routine.

And then there is the factor that all these potential jurors were on hold for a month without being called.... I wonder if there are ever months when they don't have enough jurors and have to postpone a trial.

What if... a world with no stock market

Imagine a world where there is no stock market. Where companies answer to their stakeholders (employees, clients) rather than investors. Would that make a positive difference? I don't know (I am very far from an expert) but it's a question I'd like an answer to.

There are nuances to the stock market, so maybe what I'm really asking is about publicly traded companies. The reason I ask is because it seems that those publicly traded companies are answerable first to their stockholders, even at the expense of the company's best interests. Future gains are less important than a big dividend now (or at least that's the impression I get).

A small portion of the population keeps getting richer (CEOs, investors) while the workers keep getting shafted. I keep hearing that companies aren't hiring - not because they can't afford more workers but because they can make more profits for their stockholders by overworking their current employees. (I'd argue that this will eventually backfire since people burn out. They leave and/or they work less efficiently. So the company spends more training new employees. Which they think are expendable. Then they question why they aren't making more - when no one can afford to buy their products because no one has any money!)

I've been in a job where I was most definitely overworked. As people left, my department became me. Doing what 4 people had done before. Granted, I found ways to make processes run more efficiently (I had to), but it was still too much. I had a little breakdown just before I left (oh the relief when I walked out and realized I didn't need to down Tums continuously to get through the day!). And they had to hire 2 people to replace me.

Now, I bring all this up because I'd like to point out that they ended up paying salaries and benefits for 2 people anyway (after a short time of paying me exorbitant overtime), but there was also a toll on my health, which meant I used more health insurance. Yes, I paid more in co-pays, but overall, that helped raise insurance rates for everyone. (When more peope get sick, insurance companies raise rates. They don't generally lower them.)

People started leaving that company, abandoning ship so to speak, as working conditions worsened. New people were hired who didn't have as much experience, who needed a lot of training, who took time to learn. Clients weren't happy when everyone they talked to had to ask someone else for help and couldn't just get the job done. Can you see the snowball effect? This wasn't a public company, but I can imagine what any investors would have thought as they watched numbers fall.

Ok, so maybe this isn't a great case study for my question since this wasn't a public company and it shows how any company can make bad decisions. I just think using stock price as a benchmark is a bad idea. It magnifies the problems in bad management and puts undue emphasis on a metric that is kind of meaningless. Having to make profits to pay dividends to investors rather than making a profit to reinvest in the company seems foolish. (Ok, yes, you can do both. But it seems from where I'm sitting that sometimes those in charge forget that the employees are a part of the company. A company is only as good as its employees. Investing in human capital (which sounds awful) is just as important as investing in equipment.)

Anyway, I know there are no simple solutions, but this was just a thought exercise and a bit of a gripe that I wanted to put out there.

Jury duty

I'm in the local jury pool for August. First let me be clear: I don't mind having jury duty. It'll be kind of interesting to see that side of the system.

But there are a few ways it really frustrates me.

I'm a planner. I like to have a plan, even if it ends up being thrown out the window. I like the illusion of control a plan gives me.

I can't plan anything this month. Nothing. I have a whole month of limbo, just waiting for my number to be called. I don't know until the night before if I have to go in the next day. Yep, I call each evening at 7 to find out if 13 hours later, at 8 a.m., I have to be at the courthouse. So far I haven't. There has only been one day where jurors have been called.

So 7 p.m. I call. Then I call Chris's mom to let her know. Because I'm lucky I have a mother-in-law who is available on short notice to watch the kids. Finding emergency child care would not be fun. I would hate to have to pay for the privilege of serving on a jury. (The token amount they pay certainly wouldn't cover daycare or a babysitter.)

Here I am left hanging each day for a month. What ever happened to being on call for a week? A week would be easier to work around.

And the worst part is that my day is tied to someone else doing their job. Last night I called the jury message line to find out if my number had been called. The message hadn't been updated. So I called every half hour until 11. And called again when the alarm went off at 7:30 this morning. Luckily there were no jurors required today, but it was a stressful night, all because someone forgot to update the message.

I sure would hate to be held responsible for not appearing because I didn't know I was supposed to. Yep, I have no control over my life this month. And that sucks.

Values

A lot of people talk a lot about what's wrong, usually according to the precepts of their religion. This list includes gay marriage, abortion, and any number of other hot button topics. In all the hollering about "Christian values", it seems a lot of self-proclaimed Christians forget what's right: compassion and kindness.

When the moment comes to show true kindness, so many people fail.

What do you do if someone you know is homeless? Do you take them in or tell yourself that's what homeless shelters are for?

What do you do if someone you know is hungry? Do you feed them or tell yourself that's what soup kitchens are for?

When millions of people are living in poverty, without enough to eat, without reliable shelter over their heads, without healthcare, what do you do? Do you shrug and decide they must be lazy? Or do you do something about it?

There's a saying: "There but for the grace of God go I." One bad turn could put a lot of us in unfortunate circumstances.

Just something to think about.

My parents taught us to help people if we could. They've let friends stay with them when they've needed a hand getting back on their feet, despite being told they were inviting trouble in (they've never had trouble). I remember my mom spending hours on the phone or on the porch listening to an aunt with mental illness talk about.... well, she wasn't always terribly rational or lucid, but she was harmless and nice.

We've tried to do what we can to help. Yes, sometimes we've been burned, but we've tried.

Education opportunities in Bloomington

It is pretty much acknowledged that the current state of education is not great. I don't know if I'd go so far as calling it abysmal in general, but there is so much to be sad about. There have been articles and articles and more articles written about the loss of creativity and innovation in education, about how our children are learning rote information to pass a test but not the skills needed to compete in the 21st century.

There are lots of ideas about how to change education. There are even alternatives to traditional public schools. There are several options even in Bloomington: Harmony School, The Project School, New Tech High School. I think it's great there are alternatives here.

But. I think our family is in a similar position to a lot of people in town. We just can't afford to pay tuition for 13 years of elementary, middle and high school. New Tech is part of MCCSC, but that's a long way away. Harmony School sounds wonderful, but when we've scrimped to afford preschool and have to save up for college, and we have tax dollars paying for the local public schools... well, 8% of monthly income for 1 kid or 12% for 2 is just more than we could swing.

And there are those tax dollars we are paying for our public schools. Are they perfect? No. Do they need improving? I'd say yes. But I want to see some of the innovations of private alternative schools, at least the ones that are doing a good job, be incorporated into our public schools rather than just see those who can afford it jump ship leaving a sub-par education for the rest of us.

Can we recognize that all this testing and teaching to the test is not the answer? We've tried it and survey says it's not working. Can we actually work to fix our public schools? Private, charter, alternative or religious - all these other schools aren't necessarily better. Some are and we need to look at what works. Some aren't and we need to learn from that too.

But this system is broken. And my kids will be starting school in the next couple of years. I just hope we can inspire them to be creative and explore and find science and art and music and all the stuff that's lost these days fascinating. I'm thankful we have things like Mythbusters to show them that science can be fun and Khan Academy to help them when their teachers are too busy trying to control 30 kids. We have resources in town because of IU and Ivy Tech that will hopefully inspire the boys.

What's in a name?

The other day Chris and I were discussing the ramifications of women changing their names when they get married. There can be sexism involved, with the assumption that women should take their husband's name. Do a Google search and you will find lots of articles discussing the topic.

There are more and more women choosing either to hyphenate or to keep their 'maiden' name. There are coupes who both hyphenate. Some create an entirely new last name. And I suppose there are some men who take their wife's last name. Lots of solutions for lots of people.

I can only speak personally, so here's my answer to the question of to change or not to change.

When we got married, I wanted us to share a last name, to create a family unit. Last name may not matter to some, but to me, it was important that we be a unit, especially once we had kids.

Hyphenating didn't appeal to me.

So his, mine or ours? I admit I hadn't thought of 'ours'. And here's some brutal honesty. I wasn't attached to my last name. Really, the only connection I wanted to keep to it was my parents - and they weren't going anywhere. Here's more brutal honesty. It is free and easy for a woman to change her last name when she gets married. And free fit our budget. Is it right that a woman can walk in with a marriage certificate and change her name but a man can't? No. But that's the blunt truth in our society.

So, there was my answer. To me, it wasn't about patriarchy. It was a practical decision based on goals that I had. Chris has always been supportive of that, even insisting that we be introduced with both our first names at our wedding reception because we were both individuals.

So what did you choose and why?

Best poster ever

Yesterday I saw a poster shared on Facebook. The furthest I've been able to track it down is to a post on Asking for Consent is Sexy. It is the best sexual assault prevention poster I have ever seen. (I would love to give appropriate credit, so if anyone knows who created this, let me know.)

I think from the number of people who are responding so positively that others agree with me that it is about time this poster was created.

Every time I have heard about sexual assault prevention tips, it has been about what a woman can do to make herself less of a target and how to fend off an attacker. It's been about making the potential victim feel unsafe and powerless because they are female.

Yes, women aren't the only victims, but they are the majority and the ones who are told that it is their fault if they do get assaulted. They are told that if they dress too sexy, they deserve it. If they drink, they deserve it.

Finally, someone looked at true prevention: stop the perpetrators! If a woman dresses sexily, she doesn't deserve to be assaulted. She isn't "asking for it". Even if she is looking for sex, she's looking for consensual sex, not rape.

There have been several high profile cases recently that have been all about victim blaming and it pisses me off. Here are a bunch of people who seem to be saying that women need to be protected from themselves because they 1) dressed sluttily, 2) were drinking, 3) did something else that made them a willing target. I'm sorry, but in these cases it is the MEN who need to be protected from themselves and their misogynistic, paternalistic selves and their sense of entitlement.

We live in a society that generally objects to certain countries requiring women to cover themselves from head to toe. The rationalization on that, which seems to go beyond religious requirements from my limited understanding, seems to be that men are incapable of controlling themselves if they so much as see the tiniest bit of a woman's skin.

Seriously? If a man can't control himself, it is NOT the woman's fault. So let's stop blaming women. And let's start teaching actual prevention tips like number 10: "Don't assault people."

A woman, or any person, should be able to walk home in the dark, even dressed in what some would consider provocative clothing, and not have to worry. A woman, or any person, should be able to have a drink at a party or a beer in a bar and not have to worry. A woman, or any person, should feel safe in their own home.

This is what I love about this poster; it puts the responsibility for preventing assaults on the people who have the most ability to stop them: the potential perpetrators.

Act 3

It occurred to me that it has been 18 years (yikes!) since I graduated high school and this fall will be 15 years since I graduated college. Back in high school, I had a terrible time imagining myself in the future.

The career fair folks hated me because I just saw a blank slate. I don't know, I guess that's not a bad thing; I've been able to fill in that blank slate as I go. In college, I majored in Environmental Science and really enjoyed my classes. I haven't used my degree since 1998, though. I discovered I didn't like working in a lab when I interned at Argonne National Lab. But that's ok. I learned a lot and microbiology and toxicology classes can come in handy in every day life. 

I'm lucky enough that I've been able to reinvent myself a little along the way. I'm not the same person I was 18 years ago; I don't think most people are. They talk a lot about retirees having a second act. And maybe for earlier generations the post-career career was a second act. But for a lot of us, that'll be the 5th or 9th or 21st act. I'm already on at least my third. And I'm not just talking jobs but finding out who we are.

What have I filled in on that blank slate? Well, I couldn't have imagined my husband - I hadn't met him. And the idea of kids was very vague in high school. I had a college major picked out, but we can see how long that lasted. Would I have pictured myself at a credit union? Nope. Or how about moving to Indiana? Considering I was only familiar with northern Indiana and hadn't seen the hills of Bloomington, I would have laughed.  

Right now I'm in a temporary place: full-time mom. Yes, I know I'll always be mom. But when the kids are in school, they won't need me all the time, which is as it should be. When I'm done with the stay at home mom thing in a couple years, I'm going to go back to school. It's a scary prospect, but that's part of reinventing myself. You see, I have discovered that I like data. And there are degrees out there for people who like to play with data. 

Will there be something else after that? Who knows. I'll never say never. And the advantage of living in a university town is that learning new things is always possible, even encouraged. The next act is always just around the corner waiting to be discovered. 

So what about you? Is your life what you imagined? How is it different or the same?