Stress, exhaustion, and limits

The past two weeks have been very busy and stressful for me. I've been taking two programming courses--an intensive, 2-week Python course and a 6-week PHP course. Programming does not come naturally to me.

I've actually kind of enjoyed the Python course. The syntax is simple enough that I felt like I could concentrate on the logic. Some concepts just made sense while others are still sinking in.

Some of the homework assignments were quick to complete and others took several hours. There was a homework assignment each day plus the lab tasks if I didn't finish them during class. Class met Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday last week and this week.

Simultaneously, I have been taking the PHP course, which meets Monday and Wednesday until mid-June. Once again, there is a homework assignment after each class.

So Wednesdays, when I spent 3 hours in the morning learning Python, grabbed a quick lunch, then spent another 1.5 hours learning PHP, have been crazy, exhausting, and stressful. Also, confusing, as I try to keep the different syntaxes straight.

So as not to fall behind and to keep the concepts as fresh as possible when doing homework, I have pretty much spent each afternoon and evening after class working on the homework assignment from that day (although the Wednesday PHP assignment has been falling to Friday because I just didn't have the brainpower to do both assignments on one day). But, my Python course is now over, which means the next four weeks should be a little easier.

I know I've been stressed trying to keep everything juggled. I was so exhausted last night after the a day of both classes, coming home and doing the Python homework, that I went to bed just after 9. I only made it that late because I had to finish the assignment.

Each semester is its own bit of stress, balancing classes, homework, reading for class, kids, and everything else. I'm only a part-time student. I only take one or two classes each semester rather than a full-time load of three. I know three would break me.

And I'm old enough and wise enough to know that I shouldn't do that. My mental health is worth something to me, and graduate school is not designed with mental health in mind. Each semester there are 'relaxation nights' and 'destress workshops' and whatnot. But really, those are pretty much a joke. Because balancing a full load of courses with the amount of reading and coursework, plus the part- or full-time jobs many students have, plus families..... I have the luxury of taking my time to get my degree, which not everyone can do.

I'm getting better at saying no. Recently I was asked about taking a position on the PTO at the boys' school next year. I told them I just couldn't take anything else on. Despite the assurances that it doesn't involve much work, I just can't commit to it. I can't add another obligation that I'll have to juggle, constantly feeling like I'm not doing any of it well.

It seems to be a female thing, thinking we have to take everything on. I'm not a superwoman. I have my limits. Someone else may be able to juggle more than I am, but I can't. And that's okay.

I'm happier when I'm not exhausted, cranky, stressed. I've had a job that drove me to tears from stress. I occasionally have weeks where I am stressed with school work. But I don't need to add to it. I know my limits. And I don't have anything to prove.

Acknowledgements

Yesterday I read this post from Bobak Ferdowski, also known as Mohawk Guy, the NASA engineer at JPL made famous by the Mars Curiosity landing. It's a good post. Go ahead and read it.

Anyway, it reminded me that I've had a lot of help getting through this semester. And I'll have a lot more help over the next 4 1/2 years as I work toward my degree.

So I'd like to say thank you as the semester winds up.

I took two classes this semester. A full graduate load would be three, so I am not nearly as busy as many of the graduate students I know. I don't know how they do it, because two has been a little overwhelming.

When I started graduate school, Chris became the primary contact for boys' school. He has had to adjust his schedule to come home early on Thursdays this semester, since my class goes to 5:15 and the boys get home at 4. This was just something we arranged since it made sense, yet a lot of people are impressed that he is taking on so much. (That's a sad statement about fathers. Chris doesn't see anything strange about the situation.) I have to say that I'm very thankful he has a flexible schedule and we're in a position where this is possible. I'm glad he is willing to make scheduling work and that his work is able to accommodate it.

There have been quite a few weekends and evenings when I have been bogged down in homework. The boys have been really good about leaving me alone when I tell them I'm working on homework. They've maybe watched a little more tv than they should a few weekends when Chris was sick or out of town, but they have done such a good job of entertaining themselves.

I know I haven't always been the best company when we've visited with our parents. They've all been understanding when I've had to be unsociable to get some reading or an assignment done. Yes, I even brought homework to Thanksgiving.

My friends have also been very understanding with my absence the past few months. I feel like a hermit, though, and a bad friend.

Then there are the professors and other students. I really do try to apply feedback from my professors. I think I've learned quite a lot this semester. Both classes had group projects. For one class, we were able to coordinate via email and shared documents. I think we did a nice job working together and helping each other along on the project. For the other class, we've had to arrange times to meet, something difficult to do with three different work/class/life schedules. It's been an adventure, and we'll find out how our project turned out this afternoon when we present.

I'm sure there are other folks I'm forgetting who have helped me through the semester. But I do appreciate every little bit, even if it's just being supportive. Those cheers do help. They give me the confidence that I can do this, even when I'm feeling lost and over my head.

So thank you, all you lovely people.

Fear and excitement

Next week I start my life as a graduate student. I'll take the first class toward a Master of Information Science degree.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time.

Going back to school, and for this degree, is something I really want to do. My plan for the past several years has been to work toward a graduate degree while the boys are young but in school so my schedule can be similar to theirs. It's a good opportunity to do it now, when I'm ready to make changes and get back into doing something for me.

But it's been 17 years since I graduated college. 17. Years.

I'm out of practice at this school thing. Taking tests, writing papers.

Learning new things I'm okay with. I'm usually pretty quick at learning, and I like to learn. The MIS is also a degree I think suits my talents and interests. I like working with data. This is going to be fun!

I'm lucky. I'm starting with one course while we figure out how all this is going to work. It's a big change for all of us. I'll probably take one or two each semester instead of a full load of three because I have the luxury to do so. Believe me, I know it's a luxury.

I'm not in a rush to finish in the 2 1/2 years that the degree is designed to be completed in, so taking 4 or 5 is fine. By then, the boys will be much more self-sufficient. I won't have to worry about snow days and breaks as much.

And then there's the boys seeing me going to school. They sort of remember going to Chris's graduation, but they didn't really realize he was in graduate school. They are old enough now, and it's different enough for me to be gone, that they know I'm going to school. They ask about it. And they talk about going to college when they grow up.

(I don't see that as a bad thing. While they certainly don't need to go to college if it isn't right for them, we do want them to get some training or education beyond high school, whether it be college, trade school, or an apprenticeship.)

Class starts next week. I'll have a student ID. And homework. And projects. And papers and tests. And in a couple of years I'll have a diploma. And then it'll be time to look for a job, but that's another story.