Dealing with disappointment

"He could have stayed at the party. I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

Sam was invited to a schoolmate's birthday party on Sunday. At BUGS Gym. And of course Wil was disappointed that he had to stay home and miss the fun.

When we went to pick Sam up, another parent, seeing that Wil was upset, mentioned that other siblings had stayed at the party and Wil probably could have. While I appreciate that the hosts didn't mind siblings coming to the party, that isn't a lesson I want my boys to learn.

When Sam brought the invitation home, addressed to him, he said that someone else in the class had asked if their big brother could come so maybe we could ask if Wil could come to the party too. I explained that it is rude to invite your own guests to someone else's party. And then that was undermined by a well-meaning parent.

We reminded both boys that Wil went to some birthday parties last year while Sam had to stay home. And that they both have different friends and will do things with their friends. They have different interests. They won't always do everything together. And that's okay.

There aren't consolation prizes in life. Learning to deal with disappointment now is important. Now is when they will learn how to handle their emotions. Was Wil disappointed that he didn't get to play at BUGS Gym? Yes. Was he scarred for life by the experience? Nope. He has already moved on.

And next time one of them gets invited to a party and the other doesn't, we'll have this conversation again. Until they don't need the conversation because they know that they each get to do things the other doesn't.

The trip that wasn't

We had planned to go to Holiday World and Splashin' Safari today.

It was going to be a fun day trip.

It didn't happen.

We're sitting at home today, the boys grounded in their room (other than bathroom and meal breaks), instead of enjoying the sun, water and rides.

Yesterday wasn't really any worse than any other day. they had moments where they were pretty good and moments when they didn't listen. And they just pushed it too far.

We've tried sending them to their rooms, taking away privileges like tv time, putting toys in time out. Nothing seems to make an impression. And last night was just the final straw.

Not listening. Laughing when they got in trouble. Purposefully poking at me to annoy me. And that's just the part after Sam spent time in their room in time out.

They went to their room. And promptly came out.

I locked their door. They tried to open it.

I told them it was locked. They started banging on it, trying harder to open it.

They went to bed early, after being told they had lost their fun day today and would be grounded all day. They cried.

This morning, we reminded them they were grounded. Sam asked when they would be ungrounded, because he had thought about their bad behavior (good for him!). Wil reminded him that they were grounded all day, frowning, but not complaining.

I think a day in their room with no toys, only themselves and books, is making an impression. And it's something we can remind them of in the future. I don't like having to do this, but the disrespectful behavior has got to stop and nothing else has worked.

I really hope we don't need to repeat this, because it's a pain for us too. And I wanted to go to Holiday World.

The trouble for boys with Merida's makeover

You may have heard about Disney giving Merida a makeover as part of her coronation into the ranks of Disney princesses. There's been a lot of backlash.

Most of the backlash I've seen is along the lines of the sentiments expressed in this Huffington Post article which highlights a Change.org petition against the makeover.

Did you notice anything about the outrage expressed in these?

No?

Did you notice that boys are noticeably absent?

I did. Trust me, I know that girls' self image is important. I know the changes give girls a bad message.

But I'm the mother of boys. I'm the mother of boys who like Brave. I'm the mother of boys who play with girls, go to school with girls, have to interact with girls.

And I'm the mother of boys whom I am trying to raise to respect girls as strong, capable individuals.

I'm trying to do my part to stop the cycle of rape culture and patriarchy.

Those are things that can't happen if our focus is solely on how girls perceive themselves. It's absolutely important that girls think of themselves as strong, but boys have to recognize that too or we're stuck in the same cycle.

My little bronies

Boys need to learn that "girl" doesn't equal inferior or bad. If our girls are learning that they are meant to be pretty decorations, to give meaning to boys, what are our boys learning? 

The feminist stay at home mom

I am a feminist.

I am also a stay at home mom.

There are many reasons I stay home, but they really don't matter. They are my reasons, just as every mom (or dad) has their own reasons to work or to stay at home.

For some reason, being a stay at home mom seems to offend some circles of feminists. There seems to be this misconception that just because you are a feminist you should absolutely not make a traditional choice.

And that's hogwash.

Here's the thing: feminism is supposed to open up opportunities. For women and for men.

With feminism, we are no longer expected to just be housewives while men are the breadwinners. But feminism doesn't mean we can't choose to stay home.

Being a fulltime parent is a lot of work. Unpaid work, but work nonetheless. Lack of pay doesn't make it any less valuable. There are people who get paid to take care of kids.

Just as many people move from job to job or career to career, some of us leave piad jobs behind for a bit, but this is just another step on our paths. For some women, the Mom is the career they want. For others, we cherish this time but also know we will move on to another opportunity (a paying job) when the time comes.

Can I be a feminist and a stay at home mom? Yes!

I choose this life. It isn't forced on me. It certainly isn't "because of the patriarchy".

If I were the one at work and my husband had joined the ranks of the stay at home dads, those same feminists who look down on us stay at home moms would cheer loudly, proclaiming some measure of equality... while forgetting that equality means both men and women can make that choice.

So, for all the stay at home parents, men and women, yes, I am a feminist and I hope you are too.

The bus alarm

"It's time to put your shoes on, buddy."

"Did the bus alarm ring?"

"Yep. It's time for school."

"Ok."

That's how easy our school mornings are.

Born of frustration trying to convince a five year old that he had to put his shoes on right now so as not to miss the school bus, the bus alarm is one of my best ideas.

Way back when we had some trouble getting the boys to go to bed at night, we started setting the timer on the stove. When it beeped, they knew it was time to put pajamas on and get in bed. It worked for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a very clear signal that they could listen for, 2) it was impartial - we weren't the bad guys saying go to bed, it was just bedtime, and 3) it was very consistent - rather like Pavlov's dogs. Now that they are trained to go to bed at bedtime, we no longer need the timer.

"Do you like the bus alarm?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It helps me know when school is coming."

When Wil dawdled, trying to play for a few more minutes in the morning, we decided to implement the bus alarm. I have an alarm set on my phone for 10 minutes before the bus comes. We settled on 10 minutes because it gives plenty of time to get shoes and coats on plus grab any last minute items (like library books) that we may have forgotten to collect beforehand.

We tend to get to the bus stop a few minutes before it's due, but that has served us well the few times the bus has been early. Usually it runs late or right on time. The relaxed walk to the stop and time waiting for the bus help put Wil in a school frame of mind.

"Mommy, is today a school day?"

"Yes it is. You need to get dressed as soon as you're done with breakfast."

"I want to play."

"You can play after you get dressed."

"Until the bus alarm."

"Yes, until the bus alarm."

It has helped me too. I don't have to constantly watch the clock. I even set an alarm for myself in the afternoon to remind me when to go to the bus stop. (Yes, our driver won't let the kids off the bus if a parent isn't there. That's another issue.) Removing the pressure and stress from our mornings has helped immensely.

When it's ok to talk to strangers

I walked into my 4 year old's preschool at pick-up time. His teacher was just finishing a story.

"And remember, NEVER talk to STRANGERS."

Inwardly, I cringed. Because the more I've read, and the more I've thought about it, I really think the whole stranger paranoia is giving the wrong message.

We walked out to the car. "Mommy, NEVER talk to strangers."

"Well, sometimes it's ok to talk to strangers."

"But Ms. Paula says never talk to strangers."

"I know, and in school you shouldn't disagree with her, but Mommy and Daddy think it's ok to talk to strangers sometimes."

He got really upset and started crying. Which made me start to tear up. I pulled myself together, glad I was in the front seat and he was in back (and thus couldn't see me).

"When is it ok to talk to strangers?" I asked. "Can you think of something you did recently when you talked to strangers?"

"Trick or treat."

"Yep. You went trick or treating and talked to lots of people you didn't know. Do you know when else you've talked to strangers?"

"Noooo."

"Do you play with kids you don't know when we're at the park?"

"Yes."

"Well, those are strangers. When do you think it would be ok to talk to strangers?"

"I don't know."

"What about if Mommy got lost in a store? Do you think it would be ok to talk to a stranger? Maybe find the register and ask for help?" A pause while he considered that. "How about if we make a different rule: don't go with strangers."

"Ok," meekly from the back seat.

"If someone came up to you and it wasn't trick or treat and said 'here, little boy, have some candy' what should you do?"

"Say no."

"Yes. And if someone offered you a ride and you didn't know them, what should you do?"

"Not get in the car."

"Exactly. And you should yell, really loudly, 'NO! I don't know you!'"

"But that's not appropriate." (We've had talks about yelling lately.)

"This is a case when it's entirely appropriate and I want you to yell." Another pause while he thought about that. "If Mommy or Daddy couldn't pick you up at school, do you know who is allowed to pick you up? Who you can go with?"

"No." More tears. This whole conversation was very upsetting for him, especially the idea of Mommy getting lost or not being able to pick him up.

So I listed the people who are approved to pick him up.

"Do you think most people are basically good or basically bad?"

"Basically good."

"You're right! So are most of the strangers you meet mostly good?"

He nodded.

"So is it sometimes ok to talk to strangers?"

"Yes."

At that point, he didn't want to talk more. This will be a conversation that we'll need to address time and again. Learning to judge when it's ok and not ok to talk to strangers takes a little practice. But it's a lesson we need to work on because knowing how to live in a world where most of the people you encounter are strangers is good.

This conversation is quite timely, actually. I'm going to a parenting book club with my moms group tonight where we will be discussing Free Range Kids. I've been following the blog for a while and have read the book. I've done at least the baby step in each chapter. While Chris and I have talked about a lot of the ideas in the book, this was the first big conversation with one of the boys about the topics.

Releasing the fear

I just finished reading Free-Range Kids. I've been following the blog for a while and finally read the book.

I like the philosophy behind Free Range Kids. I want to raise confident, independent kids. I want to trust them. I want them to be able to trust the world. And the statistics show they should be able to.

The book is divided into 14 "commandments" in the first section. Bearing in mind the ages of my kids, I'm happy to report that we've already reached the "Free-Range Baby Step" highlighted in each chapter. In some cases, we've even ventured beyond that.

I look forward to the boys being old enough to do more on their own (many of the steps are geared toward 'school-age' kids, so they are just on the edge of being ready to try more).

An example, for anyone who thinks Free-Range is too scary:
The first baby step is to cross the street with your school age child without holding their hand. Yep, I've done that with my 4 and 5 year olds. We've even walked in parking lots with them walking right next to me. And I point out the sounds of cars approaching or starting, back-up lights, and other information that will help them navigate streets and parking lots on their own in the future.

Recently I was speaking to another mom about the book and how much I liked the ideas in it. She said she could never go free range because if something did happen to one of her kids, she would never forgive herself.

I know that feeling. I also know that doing everything for my kids isn't helpful. For me, for us, our job is to help the boys until they can do things for themselves. And sometimes the best defense against the unthinkable is for them to know how to protect themselves.

A point that is made over and over is that crime rates are lower now than they were when we were growing up. It is actually safer now, but we hear about more crime because of the 24 hour news cycle and the availability of information from around the world.

What does the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children have to say? They've been trying to debunk the myth of stranger danger. There is a big difference between teaching kids to not talk to strangers and teaching kids not to go with strangers.

We've lost that message in the constant fear.

I could keep citing all the information in the book, but there's a whole book that does it better than I could. There's a great blog to read some of the crazy things that are going on in the name of safety (some of which probably make things less safe).

Free Range may not be for everyone. But I recommend reading the book and finding out what it's really all about. Maybe you're a little more Free Range than you thought.

What I've been reading: Bringing Up Bébé

A few weeks ago, Chris and I heard this interview on NPR's Weekend Edition. Some of the principles sounded like what we've been trying to do and the rest made reasonable sense. So I bought Bringing Up Bébé. In hardcover.

I finished reading it last night (it's a pretty quick read). This is one of the few parenting books that I have actually liked. For one thing, it isn't dry. She also doesn't claim to have all the answers or to be a "perfect" parent. The book is about her journey toward becoming a better parent, highlighting things she learned watching French mothers.

If you can get beyond the assumption that all French parents do things this way and all American parents do things that way, there is a lot of sense and even science backing up what she observed. And she even points out that she is making a generalization based on the parents she saw.

Some notes I took while reading:

• The French way of asking if someone is pregnant is to ask "Are you waiting for a child?"- what a nice way of putting it!
• The French seek balance. Being a parent is only part of being a person. Mothers should have their own identities. It isn't healthy to "be in service to" their kids.
• Calmness during pregnancy. The French don't have a culture of fear, searching for every little thing to worry about. Instead, they try to be reasonable and understand what is truly dangerous (smoking) vs. what merely needs caution (not eliminating foods, but taking precautions like preparing their own sushi)
• "Observing the baby", also known as "le pause" - French parents wait a moment before picking up their crying babies so they can 1) allow the child to learn to self-soothe and 2) have a better idea of what the child needs. This allows most French babies to sleep through the night at 3-6 months old. No Ferberizing, no excessive sleepless nights, sleep teaching rather than sleep training... and the science of sleep backs up this method!
• Education rather than discipline: the parents see their role more as teaching their children acceptable behavior, guiding them, than punishing.
• Babies have rhythms, but so do parents and families. 
• cadre - firm limits but a lot of freedom within that frame
• Kids are people!
• Listening to a child doesn't mean giving them everything they want, but a parent can explain better if they understand the child's view.
• In regards to "dieting", French women talk about "paying attention" rather than "being good" or "cheating". It's actually a healthier way to lose weight, backed once again by research. This is one of the issues that the author is a bit ambivalent and even a little negative about - the pressure for French women, or at least Parisian women, to be very thin, even just a few months post-partum. But, she does appreciate the philosophy and the fact that they will eat anything they want.
• It is normal and good to be a woman, not just mom. And that includes being a sexual person. French women generally don't give over their lives to their children at the expense of themselves. They love their children but find balance and don't have to go to extremes to prove their love. 
• "Good mothers aren't at constant service to their children."
• "mom" is not separate from "woman"
• French mothers don't overbook their kids, allowing them time to be free. 1 extracurricular as opposed to something every day.
• Balance the needs of children vs. needs of the partnership: Sacrificing relationship and sex life for kids is considered unhealthy. Once the children leave, spouse is still there and need to cultivate that relationship.
• Things that help the French do this: no or low cost child care (high quality day care, free preschool), low cost health care and college. 
• In regards to food, parents must teach a child how to eat, so keep introducing new foods. Kids must try one bite of each food, then they can move on to the next course. (This fits with our "one bite" rule.)
• Don't offer replacement foods. Don't react to rejection. Explore food beyond like/don't like: there is no such thing as "kids' food" and variety is good. Visual and textural variety are important.
• French kids don't snack. Meals seem to fall nationally at 8 a.m., noon, 4 p.m. (only snack), and 8 p.m. Kids are actually hungry by dinner because they haven't been eating all day.
• One positive she points out for American parenting is the sense of community.
• Parents are not raising obedient robots. They have authority; authoritative does not mean authoritarian. 
• Let children live their lives.
• French parents and teachers don't praise much. Excessive praise can distort motivation. Overpraised kids can become afraid to commit because they are afraid of not succeeding.

As with any parenting book, you take what you like and discard the rest. And author Pamela Druckerman admits that she has adopted some of the French practices, kept some American ones, and is still trying to find a balance. I really liked that she admitted to still having issues, but that implementing some of these practices has helped with her 3 kids and her relationship with her husband. 

I have an awesome husband

Today I met two friends, also mothers of young children, for lunch. We try to do this once a month, usually when all the kids are in school so we can have grown-up talk.

It almost didn't happen this time. The boys have both been home sick all week. One of the women was also dealing with a sick child (he's feeling better and back in school today). The other friend was sick last week....

When Chris came home last night, I told him I had canceled my lunch plans because the boys would be home once again. He looked at his schedule for today and told me to email back that I'd be there - as long as I could get him back to work by 1:30.

He squeezed in coming home for lunch today, between meetings, because he wanted me to be able to go to lunch.

Yep, he rearranged his schedule as much as possible because having grown-up time and getting out of the house and friends are all important. Especially when I've been stuck in the house all week with sick kids. Who are feeling better today. I know this because they've been fighting. (It's been a rather quiet week around here. As much as I've enjoyed that, I am kind of glad for the battles because it means they feel more like themselves.)

Tonight I host this month's book club for my moms group. I scheduled this before Chris started learning the bagpipes. Yep, his bagpipe group meets on Thursday nights. And he's staying home so I don't have to deal with the kids while trying to have a discussion about this month's book (Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy).

Can I point out that this is normal in our house? And I hope it is normal in other houses. That Dad stays home and parents while Mom goes out sometimes. Just like Mom stays home and parents while Dad is out at work or playing bagpipes. We both have things we like to do (I have my writing group and book club; Chris has his bagpipes and movie-making). We both make time for each other to pursue those interests. Sometimes there are time conflicts, in which case one of us changes plans or we hire a babysitter for the evening.

Because it's important.

I've heard other moms comment that Dad was home 'babysitting'. Or Mom cancels her plans when the kids are sick because, even though Dad will be home, she has to 'be there'. Those are things Chris and I have worked very hard to not have in our house. Chris doesn't babysit, he parents. And he would be insulted if you said he was babysitting. He can take care of sick kids just as well as I can (sometimes better since he deals with puke better than I do).

Besides being good for our relationship, I think it's good that our boys are seeing this too. They see that Daddy can take care of them. Yes, he does things differently than I do, but that's ok. He's showing the boys that men are capable. That being a dad is important. that kids aren't just for the women to deal with.

And that's the best lesson they could learn.

Victim blaming your kids

A major issue that has been talked about in circles I follow, especially in regards to rape, is victim blaming. Victim blaming is all about excusing the perpetrator by pointing out behaviors of the victim that "led" to their being victimized. It's wrong. I know this.

One of our boys can be a bit of a bully; the other can be a little whiny at times. I know this, and yet I still find myself in situations like the following.

One of the boys is sitting on the other, who is crying. We tell boy1 to get off his brother, which he does (sometimes it takes counting, or one of us actually lifting him off, but sometimes he just needs to be told). Not having seen what led to it, we tell boy1 not to do that.

Aware of the dynamics at work, we keep an eye on the two. Boy2 puts himself in a position where boy1 will very likely take the bait. Yep, sometimes he eggs boy1 on. Inevitably, we end up once again with boy2 on the ground and boy1 sitting on him, sometimes holding him in headlock.

Now, brotherly dynamics are not the same as most of the situations we see in the news where the victim gets blamed. And I see boy2 kind of "asking for it", until he gets sat on. And an easy solution in a lot of these instances would be if boy2 didn't make himself such an easy target.

And just as we're telling him to get off the floor, not put himself right under his brother's feet, it occurs to us that we're blaming the victim here. Boy1 will get a time out in his room, toys removed, whatever appropriate punishment fits the particular moment.

But it's a fine line to walk. Because, while boy1 really, truly, is upset about getting wrestled to the ground, he also does do things that make his brother want to do it. How do we teach him to not be a victim while also not blaming him?

I know, I'm way extrapolating here, but I really think we need to start teaching out kids at a young age that rapists rape, murders murder, etc.

And yet, there is a reason women take self-defense classes. And police recently have been a bit heavy-handed, but there's some truth to taking personal responsibility for one's own safety. No, women who are raped do not ask for it, but there are things they can do to "be smart"* and make themselves less likely to be a victim.

The only way to stop a crime is for the criminal not to commit it. But we still lock our doors. Some people have security services and alarm systems on their homes. The reality is that there are things we can do, but we still need to remember that even if you do everything right, bad things can happen.

I know this post seems to be wandering and pointless, but here's what it comes to: we need to teach our kids that boy1 is the one who gets punished for being a bully, but boy2 can also do some things to avoid the situation. They are each responsible for their own behavior.

And as they get older and learn more impulse control, then we can work on those harder lessons.

*Please note, I am NOT saying that women who get raped asked for it. I'm not saying they shouldn't wear sexy clothes if they enjoy doing it. I'm not saying they should be tea totalers. We should all be able to leave our doors unlocked and walk the streets at night without anything bad happening. But, just as we do lock our doors to make our homes and cars less of an easy target, there are ways to be a little smarter without being at fault.