Happy I love you more day

Today is Valentine's Day. Chris and I don't make a big deal out of this day. Really, if we want a day to celebrate our relationship, we'll pick our anniversary. It's much more meaningful.

Having one day to celebrate love sounds like a good idea, but what about the other 364 days (365 this year)? And shouldn't the day we celebrate love have a reason?

Maybe I'm jaded. Ok, I am, a little.

Do you remember in high school when the boosters club sold carnations that were delivered in class? So everyone could see just how loved (read: popular) someone was? And how the same few girls got flowers  in every class, while the rest of us looked on in envy?

Yeah, I didn't get any carnations. Even though anyone could send a carnation to anyone else, it was usually the boys sending them to their girlfriends and a few popular girls sending them to each other.

In high school, it was humiliating. No Valentine to send me flowers. Sigh.

Once out of high school, I noticed the same pattern unfolding: Valentine's Day has become a competition to see who loves whom the most. The sincere lovers tend to be quiet.

Go watch a few commercials pushing Valentine's Day gifts: buy her jewelry because you need to spend a fortune to prove your love and flowers aren't good enough! or you must buy roses to be delivered at work so all her coworkers can be jealous! or come have a romantic dinner with special foods, including all these aphrodisiacs because you must have the best sex of your life tonight!

What is with all this pressure? The day to day little things mean so much more than any grand gesture. At least to me. Love doesn't come in a box, even when the box if full of chocolates.

So if Valentine's Day makes you happy, have a wonderful day filled with heart-shaped presents. But remember that there are loads of us out here (and not just singles) who just don't care all that much. If someone doesn't have a date or big plans, if flowers don't get delivered, it's ok.

The best Valentine? Loving yourself.

Take a stand

I didn't watch the Grammy awards last night. I had better things to watch and don't really know much of the current music.

Last night and this morning, I've been reading the Twitter/Facebook reactions to an abuser getting applauded for winning an award and the frightening comments young girls were making regarding him.

There have been several good articles written about this. I'd like to point to a few:

• From Kveller, Why Are We Applauding Chris Brown
• Shared by Cineboobs, readitordont Really, look at this one if you need a reminder of what he is capable of. The picture of Rihanna's face is sobering.
• From HelloGiggles, I'm Not Okay with Chris Brown Performing at the Grammys and I'm Not Sure Why You Are - And this is the best-written piece I have seen about what exactly was wrong with the whole situation. Really, if you only read one, read this one. 

Want to know something I've noticed? It isn't just this incident. It isn't just this trend of sweeping domestic abuse under the rug, blaming the woman for "earning" the beating and forgiving the abuser. 

Pop culture is actually lauding abusive relationships, showcasing them as romantic.

Yeah, I went overboard on drawing your attention to that statement, but that's because it's all too sadly true. It's scary, too, because too many young people are learning that this is acceptable behavior. 

I mean, it's nothing new. In the 60s we had The Graduate, in which Dustin Hoffman's character is a stalker, but it isn't painted that way. The movie won several Oscars. In the 80s we had Every Breath You Take, a song which even Sting recognizes as a dark, stalker-y song. And it gets played at weddings with regularity. Yeah, and that song won a couple of Grammys too. 

Those are just examples off the top of my head.

Nowadays we have Twilight, perhaps one of the worst examples of glorifying sick, twisted, stalker and abusive behavior. I know there are other examples, but this one is the juggernaut, with not just teens but grown women lusting after the characters.

Disclaimer: I enjoyed the books - well, the 1st three, anyway. I recognized the problems in them, and the terrible writing, but was able to enjoy the story. I'm also an adult in a healthy relationship who can separate fantasy from reality. 

I've seen the way teens talk about these books, wishing for relationships like the ones portrayed there. And it frightens me that a whole generation is going to think sick relationships are normal. 

Then I see the tweets during last night's Grammys, where girls actually claim to want to be beaten. 

And I immediately think about Twilight. And this article from the Science of Relationships, or this analysis of Bella and Edward's abusive relationship from io9, or this commentary from Feministing on how Abusive is the New Sexy, or this post about how the Twilight vampires resemble sexual predators. 

There are many, many more examples I could point to, but think about this trend. And then think about your reaction to the books and/or movies. And what message you want young men and women to take from them. 

And then think about real life situations and whether you applauded Chris Brown last night or were disgusted. Do you know anyone who has been in an abusive relationship? Would you stand up for them? Or would you stand back, claiming to be impartial, but intimating that "she must have earned it"? 

The dog finder

I like dogs. I just don't want to own one. I like our cats: they are independent yet cuddly, low maintenance, and don't escape. Usually. Of our three cats, one generally won't even venture out if invited because he knows he has a good thing here.

Then there are our neighbors' dogs.

They like to escape. Not just one neighbor's. Several neighbors'. I've caught 4 different neighbors' dogs running around in the last 6 or so months.

I guess I'm a dog finder.

The latest incident was today when a small black and white dog came running up to my car as I was driving down the street. She had been walking in the street in front of her house. I carefully pulled over and she ran right up to me. No one was home, so I called the number on her tag (I'm so glad she had a tag!) and left a message. I knocked on the next door neighbor's door to see if she knew if the dog was usually just in the back yard. Together we found a chain in the back to tie the dog to. (The owner called about half an hour later.)

Last week I found a dog wandering through yards a couple blocks away. I stopped to check, thinking it was a dog I recognized. He wasn't, but he also had a tag (yay!). I called the number and met the owner 3 houses down. He was very happy to walk along with me to his home. I did get to meet a neighbor I had only had email contact with previously, so that was nice.

Several times in recent months, I have found another neighbor's dog wandering in someone's yard. When I stop, he turns and runs home. He has a habit of jumping the fence and exploring.

Last summer our next door neighbors' dogs, 3 big dogs, somehow escaped while they were on vacation. Luckily I had a way to contact their dog sitter who came to help round them up. Two were hanging around the front yard, waiting to be let back in, but the 3rd had wandered down the block. We still don't know how they got out.

Over the 8 years we've lived here, there have been other neighbor dogs who have gotten out. I often recognize them, but not all are easy to catch or coax home.

One thing I have noticed is that the dogs tend to walk in the street or right along the edge of the street when they get out. I guess it's because they are trained to walk there. We don't have sidewalks in the neighborhood, so people walk their dogs in the street. I'm just glad I've been able to get so many dogs back home without a car hitting them.