Dealing with disappointment

"He could have stayed at the party. I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

Sam was invited to a schoolmate's birthday party on Sunday. At BUGS Gym. And of course Wil was disappointed that he had to stay home and miss the fun.

When we went to pick Sam up, another parent, seeing that Wil was upset, mentioned that other siblings had stayed at the party and Wil probably could have. While I appreciate that the hosts didn't mind siblings coming to the party, that isn't a lesson I want my boys to learn.

When Sam brought the invitation home, addressed to him, he said that someone else in the class had asked if their big brother could come so maybe we could ask if Wil could come to the party too. I explained that it is rude to invite your own guests to someone else's party. And then that was undermined by a well-meaning parent.

We reminded both boys that Wil went to some birthday parties last year while Sam had to stay home. And that they both have different friends and will do things with their friends. They have different interests. They won't always do everything together. And that's okay.

There aren't consolation prizes in life. Learning to deal with disappointment now is important. Now is when they will learn how to handle their emotions. Was Wil disappointed that he didn't get to play at BUGS Gym? Yes. Was he scarred for life by the experience? Nope. He has already moved on.

And next time one of them gets invited to a party and the other doesn't, we'll have this conversation again. Until they don't need the conversation because they know that they each get to do things the other doesn't.

Bear Bear

Sam's class is investigating how/if things have changed. They are collecting artifacts from the past to compare to today.

I put together a few things to lend his teacher: a disc of old family pictures (lots of clothes from various eras, plus a few other gems), a couple buttons from when I was a kid, an old 3.5" floppy disc, a Happy Hollisters book, my well-loved Raggedy Andy, and.... Bear Bear.

Bear Bear is my Teddy bear from when I was a baby. He has a music box inside and used to play "Teddy Bear Picnic". The music box has been broken for years.

The boys discovered him a few years ago. From time to time, they play with him. Sometimes they choose him as their stuffed animal to sleep with. I'm glad Bear Bear is loved.

Wil and Bear Bear

Today I brought the bag of artifacts to school since I knew I would see Sam's teacher. She was thrilled to receive some items and promised she would send them home in a couple weeks when the class was done with them.

At dinner, I mentioned to Sam that I brought in a bag of artifacts since he knew he was supposed to bring some in. He asked what I sent, of course.

When I mentioned Bear Bear, Wil burst into tears. This wasn't just hurt feelings that I sent in something they liked. It wasn't disappointment.

He was sobbing. Inconsolably.

Because he loves Bear Bear ("He's my favorite bear!"). And he's afraid Bear Bear will never come home.

It took hugs, and promises that Bear Bear is just visiting, to calm him down.

And Sam, knowing his brother, went up to dig through the stuffed animal bin to find Wil's other favorites, which he asked for as soon as the tears subsided: Raf the giraffe, Cheeto the giraffe, Horsey, Cow, Kitty....

And we couldn't find Kitty.

After a desperate search (we found Kitty), Wil now has a pile of his favorites on his bed, ready to soften the tiny hole in his heart.

Meanwhile, I'm left with a tiny hole in my heart, because I didn't know how much Bear Bear meant to him or that he'd be so upset.

The trip that wasn't

We had planned to go to Holiday World and Splashin' Safari today.

It was going to be a fun day trip.

It didn't happen.

We're sitting at home today, the boys grounded in their room (other than bathroom and meal breaks), instead of enjoying the sun, water and rides.

Yesterday wasn't really any worse than any other day. they had moments where they were pretty good and moments when they didn't listen. And they just pushed it too far.

We've tried sending them to their rooms, taking away privileges like tv time, putting toys in time out. Nothing seems to make an impression. And last night was just the final straw.

Not listening. Laughing when they got in trouble. Purposefully poking at me to annoy me. And that's just the part after Sam spent time in their room in time out.

They went to their room. And promptly came out.

I locked their door. They tried to open it.

I told them it was locked. They started banging on it, trying harder to open it.

They went to bed early, after being told they had lost their fun day today and would be grounded all day. They cried.

This morning, we reminded them they were grounded. Sam asked when they would be ungrounded, because he had thought about their bad behavior (good for him!). Wil reminded him that they were grounded all day, frowning, but not complaining.

I think a day in their room with no toys, only themselves and books, is making an impression. And it's something we can remind them of in the future. I don't like having to do this, but the disrespectful behavior has got to stop and nothing else has worked.

I really hope we don't need to repeat this, because it's a pain for us too. And I wanted to go to Holiday World.

A conversation out of the blue

The boys were sitting at the table this evening, enjoying a bit of dessert, when out of the blue:

Sam: Girls can come to our house but not in our room.

Wil: They can't play with our Angry Birds.

Sam: We should put them in our room so they won't play with them.

Wil: Yeah.

No girls allowed zone

I'm not sure where the conversation came from, but it was interesting.

First, I'm glad they solved the problem on their own of what to do with toys they didn't want to share. Thinking about what would upset them and how to prevent that from happening takes a little foresight. Next week it might be a different toy, but they now have a solution that they came up with.

Second, I'm glad they are agreed girls can come over to play. They are at an age where girl and boy are suddenly becoming an issue. Wil refuses to go in the 'girl' aisles at the store, even though some of this favorite toys, like My Little Pony, are there. There's recognition of girls as people, and people who might be interesting and fun, in being agreeable to having girls over. Hopefully they'll just recognize friends without worrying about if they are girls or boys in a few years.

Third, I almost laughed thinking of implementing a rule like this in a few years when they are teenagers. Digging this post up when they're older could be loads of fun.

The trouble for boys with Merida's makeover

You may have heard about Disney giving Merida a makeover as part of her coronation into the ranks of Disney princesses. There's been a lot of backlash.

Most of the backlash I've seen is along the lines of the sentiments expressed in this Huffington Post article which highlights a Change.org petition against the makeover.

Did you notice anything about the outrage expressed in these?

No?

Did you notice that boys are noticeably absent?

I did. Trust me, I know that girls' self image is important. I know the changes give girls a bad message.

But I'm the mother of boys. I'm the mother of boys who like Brave. I'm the mother of boys who play with girls, go to school with girls, have to interact with girls.

And I'm the mother of boys whom I am trying to raise to respect girls as strong, capable individuals.

I'm trying to do my part to stop the cycle of rape culture and patriarchy.

Those are things that can't happen if our focus is solely on how girls perceive themselves. It's absolutely important that girls think of themselves as strong, but boys have to recognize that too or we're stuck in the same cycle.

My little bronies

Boys need to learn that "girl" doesn't equal inferior or bad. If our girls are learning that they are meant to be pretty decorations, to give meaning to boys, what are our boys learning? 

The bedtime routine

We have a pretty successful bedtime routine for the boys. I could list all the steps, but I think Wil's take on it is quite fascinating.

Ice Cream Writing from schoolTo translate:

First, put on the blanket. Next, put on the pillow. Last, I sat in it. Feelings: I felt happy.

For context, he "turtles" inside his pillow, arms and legs tucked inside it.

 

The accompanying drawing.

The drawing shows Wil in bed with his pillow on top of him. Daddy is turning off the lights. Above are the ceiling fan and the boys' orrery.

He also has Santa, a reindeer and sleigh on the roof.

The square drawing at the top is a picture of his dragon pillow.

The bus alarm

"It's time to put your shoes on, buddy."

"Did the bus alarm ring?"

"Yep. It's time for school."

"Ok."

That's how easy our school mornings are.

Born of frustration trying to convince a five year old that he had to put his shoes on right now so as not to miss the school bus, the bus alarm is one of my best ideas.

Way back when we had some trouble getting the boys to go to bed at night, we started setting the timer on the stove. When it beeped, they knew it was time to put pajamas on and get in bed. It worked for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a very clear signal that they could listen for, 2) it was impartial - we weren't the bad guys saying go to bed, it was just bedtime, and 3) it was very consistent - rather like Pavlov's dogs. Now that they are trained to go to bed at bedtime, we no longer need the timer.

"Do you like the bus alarm?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It helps me know when school is coming."

When Wil dawdled, trying to play for a few more minutes in the morning, we decided to implement the bus alarm. I have an alarm set on my phone for 10 minutes before the bus comes. We settled on 10 minutes because it gives plenty of time to get shoes and coats on plus grab any last minute items (like library books) that we may have forgotten to collect beforehand.

We tend to get to the bus stop a few minutes before it's due, but that has served us well the few times the bus has been early. Usually it runs late or right on time. The relaxed walk to the stop and time waiting for the bus help put Wil in a school frame of mind.

"Mommy, is today a school day?"

"Yes it is. You need to get dressed as soon as you're done with breakfast."

"I want to play."

"You can play after you get dressed."

"Until the bus alarm."

"Yes, until the bus alarm."

It has helped me too. I don't have to constantly watch the clock. I even set an alarm for myself in the afternoon to remind me when to go to the bus stop. (Yes, our driver won't let the kids off the bus if a parent isn't there. That's another issue.) Removing the pressure and stress from our mornings has helped immensely.

When it's ok to talk to strangers

I walked into my 4 year old's preschool at pick-up time. His teacher was just finishing a story.

"And remember, NEVER talk to STRANGERS."

Inwardly, I cringed. Because the more I've read, and the more I've thought about it, I really think the whole stranger paranoia is giving the wrong message.

We walked out to the car. "Mommy, NEVER talk to strangers."

"Well, sometimes it's ok to talk to strangers."

"But Ms. Paula says never talk to strangers."

"I know, and in school you shouldn't disagree with her, but Mommy and Daddy think it's ok to talk to strangers sometimes."

He got really upset and started crying. Which made me start to tear up. I pulled myself together, glad I was in the front seat and he was in back (and thus couldn't see me).

"When is it ok to talk to strangers?" I asked. "Can you think of something you did recently when you talked to strangers?"

"Trick or treat."

"Yep. You went trick or treating and talked to lots of people you didn't know. Do you know when else you've talked to strangers?"

"Noooo."

"Do you play with kids you don't know when we're at the park?"

"Yes."

"Well, those are strangers. When do you think it would be ok to talk to strangers?"

"I don't know."

"What about if Mommy got lost in a store? Do you think it would be ok to talk to a stranger? Maybe find the register and ask for help?" A pause while he considered that. "How about if we make a different rule: don't go with strangers."

"Ok," meekly from the back seat.

"If someone came up to you and it wasn't trick or treat and said 'here, little boy, have some candy' what should you do?"

"Say no."

"Yes. And if someone offered you a ride and you didn't know them, what should you do?"

"Not get in the car."

"Exactly. And you should yell, really loudly, 'NO! I don't know you!'"

"But that's not appropriate." (We've had talks about yelling lately.)

"This is a case when it's entirely appropriate and I want you to yell." Another pause while he thought about that. "If Mommy or Daddy couldn't pick you up at school, do you know who is allowed to pick you up? Who you can go with?"

"No." More tears. This whole conversation was very upsetting for him, especially the idea of Mommy getting lost or not being able to pick him up.

So I listed the people who are approved to pick him up.

"Do you think most people are basically good or basically bad?"

"Basically good."

"You're right! So are most of the strangers you meet mostly good?"

He nodded.

"So is it sometimes ok to talk to strangers?"

"Yes."

At that point, he didn't want to talk more. This will be a conversation that we'll need to address time and again. Learning to judge when it's ok and not ok to talk to strangers takes a little practice. But it's a lesson we need to work on because knowing how to live in a world where most of the people you encounter are strangers is good.

This conversation is quite timely, actually. I'm going to a parenting book club with my moms group tonight where we will be discussing Free Range Kids. I've been following the blog for a while and have read the book. I've done at least the baby step in each chapter. While Chris and I have talked about a lot of the ideas in the book, this was the first big conversation with one of the boys about the topics.

Releasing the fear

I just finished reading Free-Range Kids. I've been following the blog for a while and finally read the book.

I like the philosophy behind Free Range Kids. I want to raise confident, independent kids. I want to trust them. I want them to be able to trust the world. And the statistics show they should be able to.

The book is divided into 14 "commandments" in the first section. Bearing in mind the ages of my kids, I'm happy to report that we've already reached the "Free-Range Baby Step" highlighted in each chapter. In some cases, we've even ventured beyond that.

I look forward to the boys being old enough to do more on their own (many of the steps are geared toward 'school-age' kids, so they are just on the edge of being ready to try more).

An example, for anyone who thinks Free-Range is too scary:
The first baby step is to cross the street with your school age child without holding their hand. Yep, I've done that with my 4 and 5 year olds. We've even walked in parking lots with them walking right next to me. And I point out the sounds of cars approaching or starting, back-up lights, and other information that will help them navigate streets and parking lots on their own in the future.

Recently I was speaking to another mom about the book and how much I liked the ideas in it. She said she could never go free range because if something did happen to one of her kids, she would never forgive herself.

I know that feeling. I also know that doing everything for my kids isn't helpful. For me, for us, our job is to help the boys until they can do things for themselves. And sometimes the best defense against the unthinkable is for them to know how to protect themselves.

A point that is made over and over is that crime rates are lower now than they were when we were growing up. It is actually safer now, but we hear about more crime because of the 24 hour news cycle and the availability of information from around the world.

What does the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children have to say? They've been trying to debunk the myth of stranger danger. There is a big difference between teaching kids to not talk to strangers and teaching kids not to go with strangers.

We've lost that message in the constant fear.

I could keep citing all the information in the book, but there's a whole book that does it better than I could. There's a great blog to read some of the crazy things that are going on in the name of safety (some of which probably make things less safe).

Free Range may not be for everyone. But I recommend reading the book and finding out what it's really all about. Maybe you're a little more Free Range than you thought.

Those tiny moments of heartbreak

"Mommy, no kisses today."

Sam told me this as we pulled into the parking lot at his preschool today. My heart broke just a little bit.

It's the second time.

A few weeks ago, he waited until I was ready to hug and kiss him as I left him in his classroom. Then he went back to wanting the hugs and kisses.

He's 4. It's only a matter of time until he, like Wil, doesn't want anyone to see him getting hugs and kisses from Mommy.

I'm glad my boys are growing up and becoming more confident. But there's that little part of me that misses the unrestrained displays of affection.

They still happen from time to time, like yesterday when Sam came looking for me just to kiss me, leaving a smear of lip balm on my cheek.

And we have their new bedtime knock knock jokes:

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Wil.

Wil who?

 Will you hug me?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Sam.

Sam who?

Same for me!

I'm not a baby person. I have always looked forward to them growing up and being real people. My goal is for them to be independent.

I'm glad Sam feels confident enough at school not to need the kissing hand or even a hug from me to get through the day. 

But it still hurts a little. 

Cats in the laundry chute

Chris and I had the following conversation this evening as we folded laundry.

Chris: I wish our walls were thicker so we could have secret passages and a laundry chute.

Me: Things tend to get stuck in laundry chutes.

Chris: Yeah, especially since the boys would probably shove stuff down it. Like the cats.

Me: They wouldn't need to do that. The cats would jump in there on their own. Especially Siofra.

Chris: And they'd scare themselves and pee the whole way down. Then we'd have to spend a lot of money to clean it out. It's probably good we don't have one.

Me: Yep.

Chris: But secret passages would still be cool.



(Although now that I think about it, secret passages are just another place for spiders to lurk. Cool in theory, though.)

A good night's sleep

"Are you tired at school?"

"Yes."

"What should we do about that? Do you need to go to bed earlier?"

"Yes."

"What time would you like to go to bed? Bedtime is usually 8. What about 7:30?"

"Yes, 7:30."

So we moved bedtime to 7:30. And the boys both go right to sleep.

And they usually still sleep until 7 when the radio turns on. But then we had a morning when they were up around 6. We sent them back to bed, but they played in their room rather than go back to sleep. Wil had another rough day at school.

"Did you get up too early this morning?"

"Yes. I was too tired at school."

"What can we do to help you get enough sleep? Would you like a clock like at Grandma's?"

"Uh huh. I can read the numbers."

So we put a digital clock in their room. They aren't supposed to get out of bed until they see a 7. That's the rule at Grandma and Grandpa's house. It seems to be working.

And that extra half hour of kid-free time in the evening? Precious.

1st day of Kindergarten

Today was Wil's first day of Kindergarten.

He was a little worried this morning, apprehensive about riding the bus on his own.

Worried about riding the bus alone.

He was nervous about going to a new school, with kids he doesn't know. But he managed a tiny smile.

An "I love you, Mommy" before we let for the bus stop.

He got on the bus. And off he went to the "big kid school".

Stepping on the bus, with help from Daddy.

It was a long day for Sam with no big brother to play with - and wrestle with. We marked nearly every hour today, waiting until 4 p.m.

"Mommy, is Wil home yet."
"No, sweetie. He won't be home for a few more hours."

And finally it was time to meet the bus.

And Wil got off the bus. Sadly.

He didn't like riding the bus. He doesn't remember the names of the kids in his class. He didn't know where to throw his milk out at lunch....

Everything is new and scary. He'll be fine once he gets the hang of the new routine. But in the meantime, we need to help him figure out how to deal with the things that worry him.

First up is the bus issue. I asked what would help make it better. His answer: a green and white bus. While I can't do anything about that, I can give him something to look forward to after riding the bus. We're one of the last stops in the morning and one of the first on the way home. Yep, I bribed him with a Tootsie Roll, his favorite candy, when he gets home tomorrow. It may not be the best solution, but it will help until he gets comfortable.

Then we spent some time role playing this evening.

First up: disposing of the milk carton. He practiced finding a teacher and asking where the trash was. Pretty simple, but he was smiling, knowing he had the words to solve his problem.

Next, making friends. We all took turns introducing ourselves to each other. And we thought about times when he could get to know the other kids: meeting the kids sitting next to him, finding another kid playing something interesting on the playground.

These are all pretty easy things. But sometimes I forget that we learn how to do all this. He's used to preschool where the teachers tell the kids when it's time to clean up and make sure they throw their trash out. He's used to a much smaller class, with a lot of kids that he's been in preschool with since he was 2.

He went to bed feeling better about school. I think he'll be fine. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

A mini-vacation

We haven't had a real vacation in years. This summer has been crazy, with Chris gone for two weeks for work, but we decided we really needed to take the boys somewhere, even if it was only for a couple of days.

Cue a whirlwind tour of Chicago.

The view from our hotel.

We started Monday with a trip to a water park with Lisa and her boys. Chris and I even went on the water slides (I haven't done that in... I don't remember when). A few hours playing in the water wore Wil and Sam out; Sam slept on the trip downtown.

After checking in at the hotel (the Hyatt Regency on Wacker Drive, which we would definitely go back to), we took a taxi ride to the tower formerly known as Sears. The boys wanted to see a skyscraper. Seeing the view from the top of one was beyond exciting for them.  

The view from 103 stories up, through the floor.

Tuesday morning we were treated to a view of window washers. They were on a building across the river. Between the window washers and the spiders outside the Willis Tower windows, the boys were in awe of things up high. 

Window washers, as seen from our hotel room.

Highlights of the hotel, since the boys had such fun feedback: Wil loved the bathroom. They both loved the view. Sam really liked the escalator, although Wil preferred the elevator.

So how many museums can we go to in one day? 

We started with the Field Museum of Natural History.

All three of my boys in front of Sue.

The boys were really only interested in the dinosaurs there, so we moved on to the Shedd Aquarium. It was incredibly busy, with a line out the door and down the stairs. Luckily, we had purchased CityPasses the previous night, which offered admission to 5 attractions, including express entry. We got to go right in, skipping ahead of the hundreds of people lined up baking in the heat.

Next up was the Museum of Science and Industry, a big part of why we chose to go to Chicago.

Watching a 1/3 scale Mars Rover model.

 The Henry Crown Space Center was very popular with our space loving boys.

They also enjoyed the Farm Tech exhibit.

Sitting in the cab of a combine.

 After watching the model train from every possible angle and a brief stop at the Science Storms exhibit, it was on to the reason Chris and I wanted to go - Mythbusters: The Explosive Exhibition.

Sitting on a swing supported by interleaved phone books.

 Wil's favorite was building a house to see if it could withstand wind. (Three Little Pigs - straw vs. wood vs. brick)

Wil building his 3rd design. 

  Then he had to test it:

Chris and Sam each tried pulling a table cloth without knocking over dishes.

There were many other myths to test, along with props and items from the show. 

Our last stop was the 727. Sam was thrilled to see the cockpit and sit in the seats. But by this point, we were all tired and ready to head home. 

If you were keeping track, we stopped at 3 museums in one day. Buying the CityPass was a great idea. We had planned to stop at 3 of the attractions (Willis Tower, Field Museum and Museum of Science & Industry). Without it, we wouldn't have stopped at the Shedd Aquarium (between expense and the long line). We saved money by using it, and would have saved more if we had spent more time and taken advantage of all the options. We skipped the Adler Planetarium, which would have been our 5th attraction. 

We'll definitely look into CityPass if we go to one of the other cities that offers one and next time we plan a museum tour of Chicago. And we'll definitely go back to Chicago to spend more time at the museums, but not until the boys are a little older and can appreciate more of the exhibits.

Those tiny moments of heartbreak

Chris has been in DC for a business trip. Today is day 13 of 15. Two weeks is a long time for us. It's an eternity for the boys.

For the first several days, the boys didn't seem to notice he wasn't here. Given that he's at work all day during the week and sometimes works late (such as when he's teaching or in the lead-up to this trip) or otherwise doesn't come home until late (weekly bagpipe practice), there are days when they don't see him until bedtime or the next morning. But usually he is around.

On day 5, the boys and I left for a mini-vacation of our own, visiting my parents. There was enough out of the usual, and enough going on, that it wasn't until several days into the visit that Wil suddenly noticed Daddy wasn't there too.

And then the tiny moments of heartbreak began.

"Daddy's missing all the fun."

"Is Daddy coming home today?"

"I miss Daddy." (Followed by him bursting into tears.)

And last night's gem, the one that almost made me cry: "Sam says Daddy is finding a new home."

Sam misses Daddy too. And I'm sure his taunt is partly due to fear that Daddy will never get home (2 weeks is a long time!) mixed with being mean to his brother. But that sure hurt.

I got out the calendar and counted the last few days: "Today is Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday. The next day is Sunday. Daddy will be home Monday." 3 more sleeps (that's how they keep track of days). I told them they could stay up Monday until Chris gets home (it'll probably be around bedtime).

Then I called Chris and let him count the days with them. By bedtime, they seemed to understand, although they asked again this morning if Daddy was coming home today. Only 2 more sleeps.

Swimming lessons

The boys started swimming lessons last week. They are both in the beginner class, which teaches basics like blowing bubbles.

They are both making progress - slow, but progress. Sam is game to try floating on his back and putting his arms out in front of him holding a floaty. Wil is a little more reluctant, but has been trying. He actually volunteered last week when the floaty was first brought out!

Today Wil had a little set-back. He got water in his eyes. He hates getting water in his eyes. Even in the tub (yep, bath time can be fun). So today we stopped and picked up goggles on the way home. I bought goggles for both boys, since Sam decided he liked them too, but I'm hoping they will help Wil feel more comfortable.

We have 3 more lessons. My goal is really just for them to feel comfortable in the water and gain basic skills. We'll definitely do more lessons next year. We may sign them up for the final session in late July/early August this year.

Things to practice at home: have them put their heads back when they take baths, get Wil used to his eyes getting wet, try to float on backs (with head on my shoulder) if we go to the pool, and try to get them on their tummies kicking if we go to the pool.

Clock making

Recently, the boys discovered Cyberchase. I've tried to watch it with them on PBS, but it was on Netflix that they wanted to watch it.

There are only 3 episodes available on Netflix, but one is fro season 4: "A Crinkle in Time".

In the episode, our intrepid mathematics-using heroes are sent to Ticktockia, a land of clocks. They use gears to solve puzzles. In the Cyberchase For Real segment, Bianca learns how the gears on a multi-speed bike work.

Wil was enthralled. He drew and cut out Ticktockians. And asked if we had any gears. He wanted to see the inside of a clock.

I found a clock-making kit on Think Geek.

Guess what arrived today? Yep, the clock-making kit.

Guess what Chris and the boys did after dinner?

If you said built a clock, you are correct.

They built the clock. I forgot to take pictures while they were putting the gears in, but the boys had a lot of fun - all three of them.

Sam adding the hands.

 They followed the directions, putting each piece in.

Wil finishing the hands.

They wound the clock when it was done. The look at pride and delight on Wil's face was priceless. 

Wil really liked putting the clock together. He followed the flow of movement, from the pendulum, to the first gear, to the second. Some move to slowly, he couldn't see their movement, but we traced how each gear turned the next.

Finished clock!

He enjoyed this so much, I won't be surprised if he starts taking clocks and radios and toasters apart in a few years to see how they work. Will we end up cruising garage sales for tinkering toys?

Oh, and while I was shopping at Think Geek, I found a stuffed Cthulhu for Sam. What could be a better way to end an evening than with a boy and his elder god?

Sam and Cthulhu.

Paper craft

Wil has been creative of late, drawing and cutting out a variety of things using construction paper. I love his imagination.

Wil cutting out aliens.

It started with dinosaurs:

Wil's herd of dinosaurs.

Then he made a band.

The instruments: drums, guitar, bass, tuba, keyboard, microphone.

And the band members. Complete with stage curtains.

This week's projects included Transformers - both robots and vehicles:

Bots and vehicles from Transformers Prime.

Transformers he made for Sam.

Transformers Rescue Bots.

and Ben 10 aliens:

Sam's aliens.

Wil's aliens.

And one of the best things? He has made some for Sam so they can play together.

Sam playing Ben 10 aliens.

I can't wait to see what he comes up with tomorrow. We still have a lot of construction paper.

What I've been reading: Bringing Up Bébé

A few weeks ago, Chris and I heard this interview on NPR's Weekend Edition. Some of the principles sounded like what we've been trying to do and the rest made reasonable sense. So I bought Bringing Up Bébé. In hardcover.

I finished reading it last night (it's a pretty quick read). This is one of the few parenting books that I have actually liked. For one thing, it isn't dry. She also doesn't claim to have all the answers or to be a "perfect" parent. The book is about her journey toward becoming a better parent, highlighting things she learned watching French mothers.

If you can get beyond the assumption that all French parents do things this way and all American parents do things that way, there is a lot of sense and even science backing up what she observed. And she even points out that she is making a generalization based on the parents she saw.

Some notes I took while reading:

• The French way of asking if someone is pregnant is to ask "Are you waiting for a child?"- what a nice way of putting it!
• The French seek balance. Being a parent is only part of being a person. Mothers should have their own identities. It isn't healthy to "be in service to" their kids.
• Calmness during pregnancy. The French don't have a culture of fear, searching for every little thing to worry about. Instead, they try to be reasonable and understand what is truly dangerous (smoking) vs. what merely needs caution (not eliminating foods, but taking precautions like preparing their own sushi)
• "Observing the baby", also known as "le pause" - French parents wait a moment before picking up their crying babies so they can 1) allow the child to learn to self-soothe and 2) have a better idea of what the child needs. This allows most French babies to sleep through the night at 3-6 months old. No Ferberizing, no excessive sleepless nights, sleep teaching rather than sleep training... and the science of sleep backs up this method!
• Education rather than discipline: the parents see their role more as teaching their children acceptable behavior, guiding them, than punishing.
• Babies have rhythms, but so do parents and families. 
• cadre - firm limits but a lot of freedom within that frame
• Kids are people!
• Listening to a child doesn't mean giving them everything they want, but a parent can explain better if they understand the child's view.
• In regards to "dieting", French women talk about "paying attention" rather than "being good" or "cheating". It's actually a healthier way to lose weight, backed once again by research. This is one of the issues that the author is a bit ambivalent and even a little negative about - the pressure for French women, or at least Parisian women, to be very thin, even just a few months post-partum. But, she does appreciate the philosophy and the fact that they will eat anything they want.
• It is normal and good to be a woman, not just mom. And that includes being a sexual person. French women generally don't give over their lives to their children at the expense of themselves. They love their children but find balance and don't have to go to extremes to prove their love. 
• "Good mothers aren't at constant service to their children."
• "mom" is not separate from "woman"
• French mothers don't overbook their kids, allowing them time to be free. 1 extracurricular as opposed to something every day.
• Balance the needs of children vs. needs of the partnership: Sacrificing relationship and sex life for kids is considered unhealthy. Once the children leave, spouse is still there and need to cultivate that relationship.
• Things that help the French do this: no or low cost child care (high quality day care, free preschool), low cost health care and college. 
• In regards to food, parents must teach a child how to eat, so keep introducing new foods. Kids must try one bite of each food, then they can move on to the next course. (This fits with our "one bite" rule.)
• Don't offer replacement foods. Don't react to rejection. Explore food beyond like/don't like: there is no such thing as "kids' food" and variety is good. Visual and textural variety are important.
• French kids don't snack. Meals seem to fall nationally at 8 a.m., noon, 4 p.m. (only snack), and 8 p.m. Kids are actually hungry by dinner because they haven't been eating all day.
• One positive she points out for American parenting is the sense of community.
• Parents are not raising obedient robots. They have authority; authoritative does not mean authoritarian. 
• Let children live their lives.
• French parents and teachers don't praise much. Excessive praise can distort motivation. Overpraised kids can become afraid to commit because they are afraid of not succeeding.

As with any parenting book, you take what you like and discard the rest. And author Pamela Druckerman admits that she has adopted some of the French practices, kept some American ones, and is still trying to find a balance. I really liked that she admitted to still having issues, but that implementing some of these practices has helped with her 3 kids and her relationship with her husband. 

I have an awesome husband

Today I met two friends, also mothers of young children, for lunch. We try to do this once a month, usually when all the kids are in school so we can have grown-up talk.

It almost didn't happen this time. The boys have both been home sick all week. One of the women was also dealing with a sick child (he's feeling better and back in school today). The other friend was sick last week....

When Chris came home last night, I told him I had canceled my lunch plans because the boys would be home once again. He looked at his schedule for today and told me to email back that I'd be there - as long as I could get him back to work by 1:30.

He squeezed in coming home for lunch today, between meetings, because he wanted me to be able to go to lunch.

Yep, he rearranged his schedule as much as possible because having grown-up time and getting out of the house and friends are all important. Especially when I've been stuck in the house all week with sick kids. Who are feeling better today. I know this because they've been fighting. (It's been a rather quiet week around here. As much as I've enjoyed that, I am kind of glad for the battles because it means they feel more like themselves.)

Tonight I host this month's book club for my moms group. I scheduled this before Chris started learning the bagpipes. Yep, his bagpipe group meets on Thursday nights. And he's staying home so I don't have to deal with the kids while trying to have a discussion about this month's book (Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy).

Can I point out that this is normal in our house? And I hope it is normal in other houses. That Dad stays home and parents while Mom goes out sometimes. Just like Mom stays home and parents while Dad is out at work or playing bagpipes. We both have things we like to do (I have my writing group and book club; Chris has his bagpipes and movie-making). We both make time for each other to pursue those interests. Sometimes there are time conflicts, in which case one of us changes plans or we hire a babysitter for the evening.

Because it's important.

I've heard other moms comment that Dad was home 'babysitting'. Or Mom cancels her plans when the kids are sick because, even though Dad will be home, she has to 'be there'. Those are things Chris and I have worked very hard to not have in our house. Chris doesn't babysit, he parents. And he would be insulted if you said he was babysitting. He can take care of sick kids just as well as I can (sometimes better since he deals with puke better than I do).

Besides being good for our relationship, I think it's good that our boys are seeing this too. They see that Daddy can take care of them. Yes, he does things differently than I do, but that's ok. He's showing the boys that men are capable. That being a dad is important. that kids aren't just for the women to deal with.

And that's the best lesson they could learn.