A benign stranger

Last weekend the boys and I joined Chris at the Columbus (Indiana) Visitors Center, where he was participating in an outdoor, public practice with the Southern Indiana Pipes and Drums. While he played, the boys ran around and played. They made friends with two young girls who were also hanging around the plaza, chasing each other around a giant sculpture.

The other mom and I sat on the low wall, watching the kids, listening to the music.

"Do you see that man over there?" she suddenly asked me, nodding toward a man leaning against a wall watching the kids play. "He's watching the kids and it's making me nervous."

"He's probably enjoying watching them play," I said, with a shrug. There were several people hanging around, stopping to listen to the bagpipers as they passed by. Some would stop on the steps to the Bartholomew County Public Library, right next to the Visitors Center, where this particular man was leaning.

"I hope so," she said, obviously not reassured.

I didn't really think much about the man, as he seemed to just be enjoying the music and watching the kids chasing and laughing. How many women do the same with no one noticing, much less commenting?

Then the kids ran back across the plaza to chase around the sculpture again. Mom followed them, keeping a vigilant eye on her girls. And a few minutes later the 'suspicious' man walked across the plaza, past the sculpture, and stood on the corner just across from the sculpture.

I admit I paid some attention at that point. He was a middle aged man wearing sunglasses and a slouchy hat. The timing of his changing position was... interesting. I didn't think anything was actually going to happen, but that did make me just a little... worried isn't quite the right word, but aware. Yes, aware. I'm betting Mom had alarm bells ringing. I'm actually surprised she didn't gather her kids and leave immediately.

Maybe ten minutes later, a city bus stopped at the corner and the man got on. He was just waiting for a bus.

I refrained from saying anything to the other mom, but I hope she noticed. I hope she realized that he was just someone who happened to be there and was enjoying the day. I hope she realized, at least later when she could think back without the panic of immediacy, that most people are good, that most people are just going about their day, and that most people who smile as they watch kids are just enjoying watching the kids play.

School safety balancing act

I went to the panel on school safety last night. I was pleased that the overwhelming message from all the panelists was balance between safety and a positive learning environment.

Topics discussed included doing safety drills, having teams on staff at every building who are safety leaders, including custodial staff who are there in the evening, and communication.

Communication, communication, communication. That was the thing most talked about. As it should be.

I read the article in our local newspaper this morning, which I think reflected the tone of the evening well. Then I read the article on WISH-TV 8's website and watched their coverage. While the tv coverage wasn't bad, I thought it focused too much on security measures and not enough on the balance the schools are trying to achieve.

One parent even told WISH-TV that it wouldn't make a difference until there were armed guards at the schools. I was very glad that Mike Diekoff, our local police chief (and someone I actually know), was able to rebut that. Because the best defense is not letting it get to that point.

Here are a few facts and numbers to think about:

In 2009, a mass shooting occurred on a military base, Fort Hood, where A LOT of people were armed and trained in weapons use. Thirteen people were killed. Just last year, in June 2012, a soldier shot and killed his superior officer at Fort Bragg. Armed guards are no guarantee.

Violent deaths at schools are very rare. From the CDC Youth Violence Fact Sheet:

• During the 2009-2010 school year, 17 homicides of school-age youth ages 5 to 18 years occurred at school.
• Approximately 1% of all youth homicides in 2008-2009 occurred at school, and the percentage of all youth homicides occurring at school has been less than 2% since the 1992-1993 school year.
•  There was approximately one homicide or suicide of a school-age youth at school per 2.7 million students enrolled during the 2009-2010 school year.

Compare that to the 20.1% of high school kids who reported being victims of bullying on school grounds in 2011. Or 4,828 homicide victims aged 10 to 24 in 2010. Or the 2,136 fatalities of kids age 0-14 in traffic accidents (in 2003).

Wanna know the top 10 causes of death by age group? The CDC can help you out with that data.

• Top 10 causes of death
• Top 10 causes of death, including type of unintentional injury

Did you know crime rates are actually lower than they were in the 80s and 90s? 

• FBI statistics on crime by type
• In 2011, the only crime rate that rose, by 0.3%, was burglary. 
• If you want to see more general crime statistics and links to information on the perceived increase, check out Free Range Kids.

Want some information on those mass killings that keep making the news? 

• Mother Jones put together a nice guide to mass shootings 1982-2012. 
• Then there's this article from the Associated Press which points out that the chances of of being killed in a mass shooting are approximately the same as the chances of being struck by lightning. 
• And this article, that, despite the sensational title "Mass Murder Rate Still Rising, Experts Say", mentions that the average number of deaths per year, 2006-2008, from mass killings was 163, only 2 higher than the rate in the 1980s. I'd say an increase of 2/year is statistically insignificant, especially considering the population increase in that time (thus indicating that the rate is actually decreasing!).
• And here are "Twelve facts about guns and mass shootings in the United States"

So is MCCSC doing a good job with school security? I think so. They do reasonable things like lock school doors during the day. They practice safety drills (fire, tornado, lock down). They have well-trained staff and a good relationship with local law enforcement. They stress communication. 

Does this mean something couldn't happen in one of our schools? No. Nothing is 100% secure. I don't expect that. 

I feel comfortable with my kids attending our schools. As Dr. DeMuth said when I spoke to her after the panel, the only one who should be worried during the day is her. Parents, students, faculty and staff should all feel safe and prepared. They shouldn't feel fearful. That's no way to create a good learning environment. And that's what our schools are really about.

When it's ok to talk to strangers

I walked into my 4 year old's preschool at pick-up time. His teacher was just finishing a story.

"And remember, NEVER talk to STRANGERS."

Inwardly, I cringed. Because the more I've read, and the more I've thought about it, I really think the whole stranger paranoia is giving the wrong message.

We walked out to the car. "Mommy, NEVER talk to strangers."

"Well, sometimes it's ok to talk to strangers."

"But Ms. Paula says never talk to strangers."

"I know, and in school you shouldn't disagree with her, but Mommy and Daddy think it's ok to talk to strangers sometimes."

He got really upset and started crying. Which made me start to tear up. I pulled myself together, glad I was in the front seat and he was in back (and thus couldn't see me).

"When is it ok to talk to strangers?" I asked. "Can you think of something you did recently when you talked to strangers?"

"Trick or treat."

"Yep. You went trick or treating and talked to lots of people you didn't know. Do you know when else you've talked to strangers?"

"Noooo."

"Do you play with kids you don't know when we're at the park?"

"Yes."

"Well, those are strangers. When do you think it would be ok to talk to strangers?"

"I don't know."

"What about if Mommy got lost in a store? Do you think it would be ok to talk to a stranger? Maybe find the register and ask for help?" A pause while he considered that. "How about if we make a different rule: don't go with strangers."

"Ok," meekly from the back seat.

"If someone came up to you and it wasn't trick or treat and said 'here, little boy, have some candy' what should you do?"

"Say no."

"Yes. And if someone offered you a ride and you didn't know them, what should you do?"

"Not get in the car."

"Exactly. And you should yell, really loudly, 'NO! I don't know you!'"

"But that's not appropriate." (We've had talks about yelling lately.)

"This is a case when it's entirely appropriate and I want you to yell." Another pause while he thought about that. "If Mommy or Daddy couldn't pick you up at school, do you know who is allowed to pick you up? Who you can go with?"

"No." More tears. This whole conversation was very upsetting for him, especially the idea of Mommy getting lost or not being able to pick him up.

So I listed the people who are approved to pick him up.

"Do you think most people are basically good or basically bad?"

"Basically good."

"You're right! So are most of the strangers you meet mostly good?"

He nodded.

"So is it sometimes ok to talk to strangers?"

"Yes."

At that point, he didn't want to talk more. This will be a conversation that we'll need to address time and again. Learning to judge when it's ok and not ok to talk to strangers takes a little practice. But it's a lesson we need to work on because knowing how to live in a world where most of the people you encounter are strangers is good.

This conversation is quite timely, actually. I'm going to a parenting book club with my moms group tonight where we will be discussing Free Range Kids. I've been following the blog for a while and have read the book. I've done at least the baby step in each chapter. While Chris and I have talked about a lot of the ideas in the book, this was the first big conversation with one of the boys about the topics.

Releasing the fear

I just finished reading Free-Range Kids. I've been following the blog for a while and finally read the book.

I like the philosophy behind Free Range Kids. I want to raise confident, independent kids. I want to trust them. I want them to be able to trust the world. And the statistics show they should be able to.

The book is divided into 14 "commandments" in the first section. Bearing in mind the ages of my kids, I'm happy to report that we've already reached the "Free-Range Baby Step" highlighted in each chapter. In some cases, we've even ventured beyond that.

I look forward to the boys being old enough to do more on their own (many of the steps are geared toward 'school-age' kids, so they are just on the edge of being ready to try more).

An example, for anyone who thinks Free-Range is too scary:
The first baby step is to cross the street with your school age child without holding their hand. Yep, I've done that with my 4 and 5 year olds. We've even walked in parking lots with them walking right next to me. And I point out the sounds of cars approaching or starting, back-up lights, and other information that will help them navigate streets and parking lots on their own in the future.

Recently I was speaking to another mom about the book and how much I liked the ideas in it. She said she could never go free range because if something did happen to one of her kids, she would never forgive herself.

I know that feeling. I also know that doing everything for my kids isn't helpful. For me, for us, our job is to help the boys until they can do things for themselves. And sometimes the best defense against the unthinkable is for them to know how to protect themselves.

A point that is made over and over is that crime rates are lower now than they were when we were growing up. It is actually safer now, but we hear about more crime because of the 24 hour news cycle and the availability of information from around the world.

What does the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children have to say? They've been trying to debunk the myth of stranger danger. There is a big difference between teaching kids to not talk to strangers and teaching kids not to go with strangers.

We've lost that message in the constant fear.

I could keep citing all the information in the book, but there's a whole book that does it better than I could. There's a great blog to read some of the crazy things that are going on in the name of safety (some of which probably make things less safe).

Free Range may not be for everyone. But I recommend reading the book and finding out what it's really all about. Maybe you're a little more Free Range than you thought.